Online dating love chat

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Google Dating - Best Online Dating Site

2015.02.04 11:31 Jennylovex Google Dating - Best Online Dating Site

#1 Best Google Dating Site to make friends, Online Dating, meet new people, video chat and have fun by chatting and meeting sexy singles from your own local location. Find true love is always simple at online. Join us now for free.
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2018.12.15 05:45 CurmudgeonlyBlaggart Over Forty? Let's do this!

Discussion of dating, relationships and the single life with people 40+. Please be civil.
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2020.10.19 16:02 Candy_Sue [PTW] Coming out? (Again?)

Hey, hi, hello, my name is Jordan, I am a cis female, who is a lesbian.
And I wasn't always so... positive I was a lesbian.
It all started in about hmm.. 7th grade. I learned of the internet around that age and there were two apps at play here, spray can (graffiti drawing app) and kik. This began my roleplay days... now about when I was 13, there was a girl who messaged me and asked if I was bi. Not knowing at ALL what she meant I said yeah. Later I learned it just meant oh, I can like girls! Cool! Don't know if we all have seen Jennifer's Body, with the make out scene with Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, but I'm pretty sure I felt something off of that when I watched that for the first time back in 2009 (I was around 11-12). I didn't have the proper language at the time, since my mother was overprotective of me for good reasons.
She went through my phone, again for good reasons, and found I was telling people I was bi. I told her I like girls but would probably end up with a guy. Like sure, I like them. In middle school, I tried way too hard to have a crush on a guy from my math class. He was a but dorky, and liked Kingdom Hearts like I did so I figured he was a win. At this age going forward I was OBSESSED with getting my first kiss. I desperately wanted it, wanted a human connection. I wanted to feel that thing called love so badly.
High school rolls around. I ask this girl from color guard out on a date. I met her through a friend from middle school who joined color guard. She was reluctant, for multiple reason. 1. I'm really fucking sure she is straight. 2. Her parents were extremely religious. She told them I was bisexual and already they didn't like me.
But wouldn't ya know we dated for roughly most of the school year until my birthday in May when my mom found out we were dating. My mom was great and was like if you like girls that's fine, I have tons of gay friends! Thanks mom.
But, this led my girlfriend at the time to break up with me, because she was scared her parents were going to find out. Fast forward through the crying, and heartbreak, and a couple other girls I dated up until I a couple years ago. Fresh out of a one year relationship. I took time for myself to heal, and it wasn't until then I was starting to be open with polyamory, and saying I was bisexual again. Now, back in high school sometime I know I just said I was a lesbian for ease of like, "well I never dated a guy and I primary like girls so ya know I'm basically gay." But I was still open to the idea of men. A few chats online, I realize, no. I can't date guys, men are lame. But I keep going through this back and forth of like... all the men online are just thirsty, and I haven't found an actual nice guy to just date normally.
But see, even that thought terrifies me.
I realize now, after twenty-two years of being alive, I do not get excited in any way shape or form with men. I am a lesbian. It took many events to get there that I won't go into detail about, but I finally got here. It took a man asking me on reddit who lives in my same city just asking for... well... whatever. He didn't actually ask anything but just a friendly opener. But still. It scared the fuck out of me last night. I never get scared with women. So, to that man. Thank you for really opening my eyes. I hope that from now on I can be truly confident in who I am.
I am a lesbian.
submitted by Candy_Sue to lgbt [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 15:22 thegeezer2206 Seeking Godly Friends/Community?

Hi all! Happy Monday and praying for you all. So I was thinking if anyone knows of any websites/apps where you can make and meet Christian friends? Sort of people with the same interests, beliefs, and in general people you’d love to chat to. I am 23 and was in college and found it hard to meet Christians for me that are sports fanatics. A lot of my in person Christian friends aren’t sports fanatics like I am, so I tend to sometimes feel out of place.
I was thinking the other day of possibly creating an online Christian FRIEND app, not dating app that focuses on building community/friendship.
Ooooh forgot to throw this in, but I live in Omaha, and love the Maverick City type of worship... but don’t know anyone here who maybe does such worship at their house so I figured why not ask.
TLDR: are there any Christian Apps that focus on Community/Friendships. If not so believe I can create an app that focuses on this.
Stay blessed!😌
submitted by thegeezer2206 to TrueChristian [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 12:53 random-user9876 34 [M4F] [Chat] Shy guy looking for someone to flirt with

Looking for something “non-platonic”
Single guy; never married. I have limited online friendship/ dating experience. Looking to find someone to chat long term with and, if possible, flirt with to satisfy the hopeless romantic in me.
I’m an amateur photographer; horology enthusiast and a novice biker.
I like watching all kinds of movies and TV series as long as the plot catches my attention.
Listen to all kinds of music depending on my mood. Favourite band is AC/DC. I keep an open mind to all kinds of music and don’t worry about language.
Love travelling; keen to go on a trip once the lockdown is lifted.
Okay with Reddit chat but would prefer to chat on other apps.
submitted by random-user9876 to MeetPeople [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 12:52 random-user9876 34 [M4F] Shy guy looking for someone to flirt with

Looking for something “non-platonic”
Single guy; never married. I have limited online friendship/ dating experience. Looking to find someone to chat long term with and, if possible, flirt with to satisfy the hopeless romantic in me.
I’m an amateur photographer; horology enthusiast and a novice biker.
I like watching all kinds of movies and TV series as long as the plot catches my attention.
Listen to all kinds of music depending on my mood. Favourite band is AC/DC. I keep an open mind to all kinds of music and don’t worry about language.
Love travelling; keen to go on a trip once the lockdown is lifted.
Okay with Reddit chat but would prefer to chat on other apps.
submitted by random-user9876 to R4R30Plus [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 12:28 leaveitintherearview Ascended At Age 26: My Advice

Hey guys, I know many will disagree with me as I've had pushback on comments in this sub before but I want to get my feelings out because I love you guys.
My story: Like many of you I had the similar experience I read here. Girls laughed at me. No one would dance with me. I had very few friends and actually 0 friends at some points.
I had a terrible time in high school. And moving on from that I transitioned into being a NEET. Completely useless playing WOW. Smoking/drinking through depression. Bad hygiene. I was a liar. I would lie often around people to make me sound more interesting and less pathetic than I was.
My lowest point came around age 25. I had nothing. Was putting tons of stress on my mother who I leached off and after hitting rock bottom went to make a change. It's way worse than I even care to describe. I even catfished a girl for attention. It was awful and the worst thing I've ever done. I'll never forgive myself for it and I feel the pain to this day. I did come clean to her one day and she did forgive me. She's doing well and although I'm not religious I do thank god for that that at least
I got a job at a call center and started working. I can't even do justice describing what I looked like. I had super long hair. It was gross. Unkempt. I looked like Edward scissor hands. I felt like an alien in public. If anyone seen me they would visibly see how fucked up I was.
I started slow at that job and gradually started doing things to improve myself. I got a haircut and made some attempts at dressing better. I read over 10 self help books and social books about how to talk to people. Watched tons of YouTube videos like Charisma on Command type stuff. Articles. Anything I could consume.
And although most of the crap is a scam I watched these videos that aren't online anymore by 'Simple Pickup" pua shit. Actually found alot of value in those specifically. I really grinded out how to talk to people. It was not a natural skill of mine. It truly is a skill that you can invest into and improve. Although it's natural for some and we don't benefit from the halo effect. We can still do great.
A couple notes I know the memes about "take a shower bro" but personally I actually needed it. And I know most don't think there's value in PUA stuff or sciences of how to talk to people but I found alot of good info.
The call center job was a sales job so I spent tons of time in the same way studying sales skills which transfer over to basically talking to people skills.
After about a year of practice and figuring things out I started to talk to girls applying what I learned. At this point I had used much trial and error and found a groove. I saved money and in general tried to incrementally do things that were going to improve my life.
I gained confidence. My work was paying off. Suddenly I was entertaining and interesting enough to people.
After all that I started getting interest from girls and it's been a part of my life ever since.
The reason I still browse this sub is I believe in most the philosophy of the Incels. I believe hypergamy is real and it's completely fucked and more competitive for guys these days. Also u guys are great memers. Genuinely funny.
I do have some problems tho. One is I don't believe anyone young should be on this sub. It's toxic for them and they don't belong here. They are most likely not trucels. We all know trucels are people with unfortunate (in societies eyes) mixes skintone, height, jawline, intelligence.
I really wish you would encourage anyone under at least 20 to get off here. 16 17 years old etc have no place here and I really hope you agree.
Before resigning yourself to being a trucell you need to take a path of improvement. 1 percent better every day. .5 percent better every day. Whatever it is.
I know most of this is cliche and you have heard it before "just x bro". But if you haven't walked the path yet and think you are a trucel. You probably aren't.
My advice.
  1. This may not apply to you but stop lying. Both to yourself and other people.
  2. Express gratitude. For whatever you have. Your mom. Food. A game. Family. Health. Full mobility of your body. Whatever it is gratitude is the key to happiness.
  3. Do what I did. Grind the fuck out of books, videos, any resource imaginable that is related to social skills both with friends and women. Practice it.
  4. Get your money right. Save. Even if it's a little bit. Building something feels good and gives you the right momentum.
  5. If you are a NEET. Get a job. And even if it's low level. Build your skill there. Extract whatever experience points you can so you can move to the next level eventually.
  6. Clothing. Expensive clothes are not important. Just having clothes with the right fit is key.
  7. Just take a shower bro (meme). Anything you can do to take your hygiene up a notch. Do it. If you look a little better you'll feel a little better. And if you feel a little better you'll do a little better.
  8. You already know this but dating apps don't work on for us. They never will. They only work for Chad's. We do not look good on paper. But if you followed these steps and can get the confidence to talk to strangers. You can give a girl a good vibe and make a friend or get a date.
  9. Therapy and medication. If you need it and can get it. Then get it.
10.Hobbies. If all you do if play games and watch YouTube. Find a couple this that you can do to get your brain or body moving. Something that takes a life time to master. Hobbies make us better people and make us more interesting to talk to.
  1. Set goals. Even tiny ones. When I'm not depressed and grinding I'll make a list of things I have get done in the year or a month. Then I'll make smaller lists each day to take steps towards it. Even if it's the smallest step towards it.
  2. This should have been number one. This was huge for me. I was literally a piss bottle neck beard. Clean your room or living space. When your outside environment is clean it frees you up mentally to move on to other goals. My mental state goes to shit if my environment is shit.
  3. After you've done this reinvention and studied ways to navigate social situations you have to put it into practice. You'll find out what works for you and what doesn't.
  4. Don't be a people pleaser. Be genuine and who you are. Do not hide your interests. You will not attract everyone but the ones who you vibe with will be the right ones.
  5. Get rejected. Get used to it. It's a math thing. Most of you have not even asked out 5 girls. The more you do this for more xp and the better you'll get. Most girls will be totally nice about it.
Basically, reinvent yourself. Don't focus on girls and focus on you. Move toward being someone you admire.
I'm sorry if this doesn't apply to you. I know their are trucels who have taken the steps or were never as pathetic as me. But I personally think the number of trucels is low. I have friend who is average looking. 5'3. And dates very attractive girls. I know that everyone can't do this again, trucels. I know that knowing a 5'3 guy who gets girls doesn't devalidate your experience or potential. All it means is that at least some of you and maybe even many can do it too.
I'm not trying to sound like the "it just so happens" girls.
I hope this helps. Feel free to message me or ask me questions in the chat. Or roast me which I'm kinda expecting anyway.
submitted by leaveitintherearview to IncelsWithoutHate [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 11:03 somethingsecretuknow Can someone help me make sense of this?

I’m grateful to anyone who reads this and would sincerely appreciate a response! 🙏🏻
I am a 26 year old female in a big city. I don’t have a problem online dating and finding people to talk to. I have huge problem with keeping them!
I have a lot of trust issues/anxiety/depression/horrible past relationships etc I also used to be way heavier than I am now and now that I’ve lost, the attention from guys is extremely overwhelming to me.
Started talking with 35 year old male and I was very much attracted he said he’s Christian and looking for a relationship..
We hit it off immediately banter wise/connection but I noticed he was being pushy from the get go wanting my number fast within the first few hours of talking.. I like to wait a few days, but since I was so attracted I gave him my number on day 2. He would begin to start texting me morning/noon/night! Because I was so attracted.. at first it was very very flattering and wanted.
Let this be known we talked 5 days total including on the site and he immediately started calling me pets names etc.
So, on day 2,3,4 he is texting all hours and calling me pet names over and over again, he sent videos of him and his siblings/nieces/nephews, over using emojis and heart eyes/kisses, calls me “baby” “hi, my queen” “Why am I so delicious” “beautiful” “I turn him on” etc
We ended up video chatting and he wasn’t as needy as the texts at all! The only thing was he asked me on our first video call if I wanted to get married, kids, am I looking for a boyfriend, asked a lot about family and upbringing etc
I understand these are normal questions, but we just matched the day before and I gave him my number that day and he was already asking extremely personal questions. I thought our first video chat was to confirm we’re both real and see if we connect. So, I was very off put by how strong and forward he was being.
Then as soon as we end video chat he would text and dote all over me and send emojis or a pet name or ask for a picture and try to continue the conversation. After the first video chat he sent this long message after of how he’s “NEVER met anyone like me and that I’m so unique and special and that he just knows I’m different he can feel it and how much he liked me” etc.. we just spoke for an hour over video chat..
He then would text me good morning and keep it going all day and night. He texted after every video chat. (3-4) times. Also, if I didn’t answer the first time he would call or chat he would try again 3-4 times and text “hey” instead of giving me time to call back.
I texted him I was on a walk and he then called just to chat.. and then asked me “So, what did you think of our video chat?” I said “I thought it was great..you?” He said “it was amazingg. It really was” he then asks what I thought about it and I said something like “uh, it was great I didn’t think anything bad” I could tell he noticed my awkward tone. After this I pulled back on texting and emoji use.
I could feel the awkward start to grow because I didn’t feel my time or space was being respected and I felt like he was asking me that just so I can reassure him or boost his ego. It just seemed odd I’d never had that asked like that before.
I’m sure this is normal for some, but it takes me a while to warm up I am not used to all of this so soon. It was beginning to feel like we were in a relationship even though we barely started talking.
I accidentally sent him a text message and I said “Sorry, that wasn’t for you” He said something like “lolol talking to another guy?” Then said “You better not talk to other boys” and said it again on video chat. This was a red flag, but I wrote it off as he was “joking” because it seemed he was at the time.
I didn’t know how to express my feelings because I was beginning to like him because despite him coming on so strong there was definitely a connection and spark. No doubt!
I grew very annoyed and cold because I felt he wasn’t respecting me. I already told him I want to get to know him slowly and that I’m not comfortable sending a lot of videos/selfie’s of myself until I know someone but I’m very much interested!
I couldn’t take it anymore he wasn’t asking about my day, and it seemed like he was becoming obsessed with the idea of me and I felt like I was losing my freedom even after just days. I just didn’t think it was healthy to go so fast. I pulled back because I was beginning to like him and in my past experience every time I’ve rushed it’s crashed and burned so I’m very cautious now especially in the beginning!
We were messaging and then he again instead of asking about my day was asking me to send pictures. I told him something along the lines of..
“Look I really like you, but I feel like I’ve sent enough pictures of myself for now. I am in the middle of moving and working on my business and like I’ve mentioned before I’m a private person and will send more once we get to know each other so please be patient with me and understand this!”
He sent “where are you moving?”
I said something like..
“I do not know yet still looking. So, just in the process right now, but I’m not moving away just places.. I have a video I found maybe I can share with you later”
And, I also sent a 2 second video of me saying hi with a peace sign..
I thought we were good and I took a nap and woke up to this long message response and I do not remember much because I was upset, but he went on and said “how shady I’m being and something about wasting his time.”
I said “how offended I was and how it’s not wrong to be a private person who values their time and just because he’s comfortable doing that all day I’m not and I don’t owe him anything” I said more but I don’t remember.. He left me on read
So, I left it there for the night and messaged him “good afternoon” the next day. He responded the same but was clearly not wanting to talk. We eventually talked but I got upset again because we were going back and forth it was just awkward so I said..
“what’s going on”
he then said
“This is all too much for me. This isn’t going to work. You’re just too shy for me. It’s too much! We barely even know each other” etc
This really struck a cord with me and I got upset and sent a long message. I honestly don’t remember but it was something along the lines of..
“how funny me being shy was the most favorite thing about me on video chat and that he needs to be careful with his words because it’s not fair to lead someone on with them and call them pet names all day to Love Bomb them, talk about the future etc and then just say oh never mind you’re too this or that”
I thought it was very careless because he Love Bombed me for days and now because I don’t send enough pictures to his liking he’s saying this. FYI he never asked or sent a nude. Everything was PG he just would want selfies of me, my day etc
I also said “we should restart as friends”
He said “okay”
I tried to restart things by sending a couple short videos and he left me on read. I got so embarrassed I just said
“goodnight”
He said it back and then I was so embarrassed he didn’t respond to my videos I disabled my dating site and messaging app.
He’s not blocked on texts and I don’t know if I am.
My conflict is although he annoyed me and bombarded me with affection. I still was beginning to like him and his humor! We had a lot of fun moments talking and I was excited to hang out!
Because of my struggle with anxiety/trusting others it’s hard for me to see clearly with this. I want to reach out again because there honestly was a sincere connection there, but his actions at times made me so uncomfortable and I don’t know if I’m wrong. Now I feel like it’s my fault and I lost a great connection and I should’ve just sent more stuff of myself!
I just got so overwhelmed and now I feel like I must’ve done something wrong. I feel a little sucked in, in a way because of all the Love Bombing and attention. I’m confused.
Was I overreacting or did I dodge a bullet? Am I at fault?
I really need some clear minds here 🙏🏻🙏🏻 Any advice is appreciated.
TLDR; Female 26 years old Started talking with Male 35 years old online. Total 5 days talking and we immediately connected and were attracted to one another. We hit it off talking, but as soon as I gave my number I felt the texting was too much and he was calling me pet names, over using heart and kissy emojis, asking over and over to send selfie’s/videos. Finally got too overwhelmed and we clashed and then I friendzoned him now it’s awkward and we’re not talking. We were supposed to meet next week. Feeling guilty like it’s my fault. Not sure if I should try and amend this at all?
submitted by somethingsecretuknow to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 10:52 Eeejay20 ROMANTIC FEELINGS CAN BE A PESKY THING

TL:DR:- I like Boy,Boy chooses not to stay with me,I shatter.
THE BEGINNING
Peak COVID-19(March-April) in Perth, Australia was a particularly difficult time for a child-free [35 F] single immigrant without family around and living on her own, like me. Barren streets and isolated avenues only solidified the loneliness in my heart.
So, when the city started opening up in May, I was glad. Glad things were returning to normal. So glad that I downloaded a dating app after many years of being single and being away from the dating scene. Thought to myself that I must find someone nice in time, before and in case the second wave of COVID-19 struck.
After a few lackluster first dates with others, I matched with [39 M] VT in July. We chatted for a bit and later met on a date in a Japanese restaurant in the city. VT struck me as a charismatic and charming guy who had his act together. There was an instant chemistry between the two of us. We connected on our love for food, similar Asian backgrounds and education, indifference to sports, both of us neat freaks. I felt like I had known him forever.
I remember clearly articulating during our first date that I was looking for something long term and that I don’t do casual relationships. His silence and smile when I said this made me assume that he must be looking for the same.
On our second date, in between the flirting, cuddles and kisses, he mentioned that we wouldn’t be calling ourselves ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. In my eagerness to be loved and accepted, my brain hardly registered the meaning of this properly. Must have been my lack of dating experience. I didn’t ask him why not, though I did say, ‘In time, I will need all of you’. He listened and nodded. I asked for his phone number at the end of this date, but he refused to give it to me. I remember feeling slightly demeaned and insulted. But I brushed this feeling away.
On our third date, we discussed where we were headed as a couple and VT seemed sincere when he acknowledged that we had a chemistry and connection that shouldn’t be given up on. He told me that he was emotionally available. My hopes that he would stay with me on a long-term committed basis, soared. My guard must have dropped to the floor at this juncture.
THE DRAMA
We then had a fourth date, again with a lot of flirting, cuddles and kisses. Still no phone number at the end of it. I couldn’t take being treated like a sidepiece anymore. So I confronted him via a message on the dating app asking him what he wanted us to be and whether I was significant enough to him to share his phone number with.
That’s when he told me that he thought we were in different places in life, were looking for different things from a relationship and that we should remain friends. He had always portrayed himself as someone single and free from baggage, but I had my doubts at this point.
I asked him if he was truly single and unattached. He said he was unattached but some ‘personal matters’ were taking up his resources, hence his limited availability, time-wise and emotionally. My anger flared. I figured I couldn’t stay friends with him and unmatched him.
When I unmatched him, being a reasonably emotionally independent woman, I was under the impression that I could get over him. After all, we had only dated for a short period. What happened next though, was unprecedented. I hadn’t realized that every time I met VT, I was emotionally connecting to him a little more. Every time he touched me, I was attaching myself to him a little more.
Shortly after I unmatched him, a sense of loss came over me. The thought of never seeing VT again filled me with dread. I missed him so much that I felt the kind of pain one feels when someone close to them, dies. I remember crying a river at home, barely being able to function, only getting up from bed to go to work so I could continue paying my mortgage.
My mind went into overdrive over his ‘personal matters’- Was this man truly single? Was he going through a divorce? Had he lied about not having children? I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to look for him. To my amazement, a simple google search would reveal his phone number. The number that he wouldn’t share with the woman he was dating was available online for the whole world to see. I noted it down and sat on it for a few weeks. I waited to see if my feelings for him would subside.
When they didn’t, I texted him- ‘Hey, for a guy that won’t even give a girl his number, you’re incredibly easy to find’. I thought he would ignore me, but he replied and asked me how I had been. I told him I missed him terribly, that it hurt so bad. I asked him if he missed me too. All I got was- ‘I’ve thought of you’. I then told him that I had many doubts about his “personal matters” and that he should give me an explanation and closure. He told me to leave it in the past and move on. That was his final message. I guess his way of dealing with an issue was by not dealing with it.
Romantic feelings can be a pesky thing. You never know when they creep up on you and I cannot tell you at which point exactly during our dating, I caught feelings for VT. So, when I read his final message, my heart shattered. I felt so numb with pain. It hurt knowing that I mattered so little to the man I liked and that he had given up on an ‘us’ so easily.
My friends made me realize that VT had only showed me parts of him that he wanted to reveal and that he had concealed so much about himself. I had been played. I was angry. I couldn’t stay quiet. I wanted to convey to him the effects that his actions had on me. VT had told me while we were dating that he hated being bombarded by messages on his phone. This, I assumed, occurred primarily towards the end of his previous relationships.
So, I changed tact. I found his residential address out and mailed him a letter, the old-fashioned way. I admit I might have overstepped a line. Bunny Boiler Level 1. Ok, maybe 2. Blame it on my aching heart. Perhaps, I was trying to take some of my power back this way.
I told him in the letter that because of him, my guard would always be at least a thousand meters high, the next time I dated and that I would continuously doubt any man I met via online dating. I advised him that even though he was a respectful kinda guy when he met a woman face to face, respect to a woman also involved giving them his phone number, not concealing anything about his personal life and giving them closure, if possible and if it came to that.I told him that he should be upfront and direct about wanting a casual relationship during the initial chats, right after matching and before a first date, lest an emotional fool like me catches feelings and gets hurt down the line.
I wonder if he read the letter. I wonder if he considered the contents at all. I figure he probably hasn’t. He must still be out there breaking hearts. Must have gotten better and sneakier at it.
THE AFTERMATH
I am currently processing my hurt/grief aka his death to me. My rational mind reasons that VT was either not sure of what he wanted or was intentionally toying with me, was commitment phobic, only thought with his second brain and it is a good thing he left me early in the game. It blames me for not being smarter at my age, for falling for him so soon, despite his mistreatment and for crying a river over someone who hasn’t shed a single tear over me.
It blames me for going all-in and for not checking with him right after we matched, during our initial chats, if he was looking for something long-term. It tells me many people deal with unrequited feelings, that I can’t place the burden of those on VT and that I must pull up my socks and get over it. It also rationalizes that VT had every right to walk out on an ‘us’, after all we were only dating and he probably didn’t really like me that way, anyway. It tells me I should be grateful there is no round 2 of COVID yet, so there’s still time to find someone else.
My heart, however, understands none of this. It still wants the pieces that he took along with him, returned. I am waiting for the day my heart reconciles with my rational mind.
I have stepped away from the dating scene for the time being. I am emotionally unavailable, at least I realize this, so I won’t be hurting someone else. My loneliness problem has also been resolved. It has now been replaced with a lot of sadness. I’ll be meeting with a mind shrink in the near future. Maybe, popping a few pills is the antidote for a broken heart. It will heal with time…slowly. Very slowly. I’m learning to let go too, without closure. I’ve figured, for now, I only need me, myself and I.
submitted by Eeejay20 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 08:00 Jrubas Rugaru: Chapter One

First chapter of a longer story.

****

Jeffery Morgan stared absently out the wet back window of his Uncle Tim’s station wagon, his mind in turmoil. His delicate chin rested in his upturned palm and his clear hazel eyes swirled with secret worry. A green rucksack containing all of his most important possessions sat on his lap, its weight comforting, like a hug.
Fifteen and bookish with lank brown hair and clad in a maroon zip-up hoodie, Jeff liked to think he was smarter than the average kid...because that was the only advantage he had. He was tall and willowy, limbs too long, and the polar opposite of athletic. He didn’t like sports or roughhousing, and video games failed to hold his interest for very long. He wasn’t like his peers and both he and they knew it: Some picked on him, but most left him alone...totally and soul-crushingly alone.
He didn’t have any real life friends, but he did have friends online. He sometimes wrote fan fiction for a cartoon show that he no longer watched but once loved, and through that he met a group of guys on Discord that he really got along with. They were slightly older and edgy - they laughed about Nazis in voice chat and called everyone they didn’t like the N-word or the F-word. Jeff didn’t really like that, but it’s not like they were really racist or anything. Like one of them once pointed out to him, they were teenagers rebelling against their middle class liberal parents, so what else were they going to be but dumb and racist?
Even with them, though, he sometimes got lonely. If he wasn’t reading or writing, he’d start to feel his isolation the way one might feel the flu or a toothache.
It was all the worse because he couldn’t just go out and meet people if he wanted; he was shy and self-conscious, which made meeting people hard.
He sighed.
Next to him, his sister Kelsy folded her arms over her chest and fixed the back of Aunt Margaret’s headrest with a petulant expression. Twelve and bratty, she wore a sleeveless dress and sandals despite the November chill and her dirty blonde hair in a sideways ponytail that she thought made her look fashionable but actually made her look like something from the nineties. Like him, her features were soft and her eyes light. Her pert nose was different from his pug, and her lips were just a little poutier, as they should have been.
Up front, Uncle Tim fiddled with the radio and Aunt Margaret endlessly scrolled through her iPhone.
They were currently making their way through downtown Keyser, a working class community perched on the muddy banks of the Potomac River separating West Virginia and Maryland. Antiquated brick structures dating back to the 1880s lined the slanted streets and the spires of the stately Potomac State College building loomed high over town. Rain hissed on the pavements and traffic moved at a crawl. Jeff craned his neck to see, and spotted a crumbling concrete bridge spanning the gap between states. A confused tangle of train tracks followed the shore, old tankers and rail cars sitting motionless along its length, their bodies rusting like unburied skeletons in the rain.
Westernport, Maryland, their final destination, lay ten miles downstream, a collection of comfortable houses, narrow lanes, and shady trees edging one of the many bends in the Potomac’s course. Jeff’s grandparents lived there, and now, after the accident, that’s where he and Kelsy would live too.
Thinking of the wreck that killed his parents turned Jeff’s stomach. They were out celebrating Dad’s Big Promotion at work. It started to rain, much like it was now, and on their way home, Dad lost control of the car. Jeff’s morbid curiosity - a longstanding trait that had never served him well - got the better of him and he looked up news reports online. The car skidded, struck the retaining wall, flipped, then burst into flames. The police said they died instantly, but Jeff wondered if they did, or if that was just another empty platitude meant to lessen the sting, like they’re in a better place.
Most words of consolation are. Grown ups tell you and each other whatever they can to ease the pain, whether they actually believe it themselves or not. People, Jeff had already learned, almost always prefer pretty lies to ugly truths, and if you give them a choice, like that guy in The Matrix with a red pill in one hand and a blue in the other, they’ll go for the lie and clutch it like a scared little kid with a teddy bear.
He was no different when you got right down to it.
Uncle Tim settled for a station playing Taylor Swift and Jeff grimaced. He didn’t like Taylor Swift, or most music for that matter.
On the other side of the bridge, the highway curved up and out of sight. Uncle Tim turned left and followed another road matching the swollen river bend-for-bend. Kelsey glared at Aunt Margaret’s seat and impatiently tapped her foot. She didn’t want to move to Westernport. Unlike Jeff, she had friends back home in Franklin. Her life couldn’t be picked up and moved as easily as his. Sometimes, Jeff envied her.
“You guys excited?” Uncle Tim asked. He was a pair of limpid brown eyes in the rearview mirror.
“No,” Kelsey said before Jeff could reply.
Uncle Tim shrugged one shoulder, at a loss for how to reply. He and Aunt Margaret didn’t have kids and they always struck Jeff as uncomfortable around them. “You gotta give it time,” he said. “You’ll settle in, make new friends, and before you know it, you’ll love it there.”
“No I won’t,” she said sullenly.
Jeff didn’t think he would either, but he didn’t like Franklin, and if his memory was correct, he didn’t like Parkersburg before it.
They lapsed into silence and Jeff vacantly regarded the river, flashes of brown and white peeking through gnarled trees. A sheer rock-face loomed over the highway on the right, putting Jeff in mind of ancient ruins, and the blacktop angled up with the terrain. Now the river was below and the misty, time worn mountains of West Virginia directly across. From here, Jeff could just make out Westernport in the distance, white clapboard buildings clustered among dense stands of trees. He picked out the green roofed steeple of the Methodist church on Front Street, named (presumably) because it fronts the river.
A mile outside of town, a foul smell crept into the car, and Jeff’s nose wrinkled.
Kelsey sniffed the air and threw her head back with an exasperated groan.
The highway wound out of the hills and hit a straightaway. A brown sign with gold writing stood on the right. WELCOME TO WESTERNPORT, MD. The smell was stronger now, burning the insides of Jeff’s nose and sending his stomach rocking like the pitching deck of a ship in rough swells. He looked off to the left, and there, screened behind barren trees and a chain-link fence, was the source.
The sewage treatment facility.
Big, boxy, and drab, like a prison, it sat on a rounded peninsula jutting into the river, thick white smoke billowing from its single funnel. Kelsey pinched her nose and Jeff breathed through his mouth. The stench produced by the plant - which treated wastewater and sewage from Westernport, Luke, and Piedmont - permeated every inch of town, as inescapable as sand in the desert; shutting windows didn’t help, spraying Fabreeze didn’t help, nothing helped except for getting far, far away. No matter where you went, no matter what you did, the cloying whiff of shit would forever haunt the inside of your nose.
“I don’t wanna live here,” Kelsey whined. She sounded like she was going to break down crying.
Uncle Tim chuckled knowingly. He and Dad grew up here, so he understood. Even so, Jeff detected a mocking inflection - he, at least, got to go back home to Moorefield. “It’s not like this all the time,” he said. “Only certain parts of the day.”
“That’s still too much,” Aunt Margaret said and waved her hand in front of her face as if to dispel the odor.
“It’s bracing,” Uncle Tim said dismissively, “puts some hair on your chest.”
Aunt Maragret sneered in distaste, and he erupted in hearty, not entirely good-natured laughter.
In town, Westernport Road turns into Church Street. A gas station, a McDonald’s, and a Dollar General crowded the left flank and a gentle hill topped will houses fell back from the right. Near the river, tumbledown row houses with dirty siding overlooked 1st Street, and closer, Westernport Elementary, an archaic two story brick deal with big windows, huddled where it had since the twenties. Because of the village’s cramped layout, the houses on Church Street were virtually on top of the road, front yards consisting of cracked sidewalk or, if you were really lucky, a sliver of grass just wide enough to attract fallen leaves.
A diner, a bank, a barber shop, and a hardware store gathered around a four way intersection comprised Downtown. Ahead, Church Street crossed over George’s Creek, which bisects Westernport before filtering into the Potomac, and slithered off into the highlands to the north. On the left, Victory Post Road entered the neighboring town of Piedmont, West Virginia, by way of a bridge with no name.
Uncle Tim turned right, taking them deeper into town, and Jeff took a deep, calming breath. The sooner they got there, the sooner he’d have to start school, and of all the things he wasn’t looking forward to in the coming weeks and months, that was number one. On the very first day, he would walk in there an outsider, and everyone would know he didn’t belong, that he wasn’t one of them.
He didn’t want that.
He wanted to be invisible.
Victory Post Road weaved through the rest of Westernport. Jeff spotted the library, a Lutheran church, an auto shop - big roll-top doors open to reveal the shadowy interior of a garage - and the American Legion Post 155.
Just across the town limits, Uncle Tim turned into a dirt driveway wedged between two hillocks. At the top, Grandma and Grandpa’s house, a squat American Foursquare with red siding and a pitched roof over the porch, occupied a wide clearing ringed by woodland. Smoke drifted from the chimney and warm, inviting light shone in the first floor windows, lending the place a rustic charm that put Jeff at ease...even if only a little.
The tires spun and squelched in the sodden yard, and Uncle Tim gunned the engine to keep from getting stuck. “Every time it rains or snows, this place turns into a swamp,” he commented as he killed the engine.
“Didn’t your dad say he was going to put gravel down or something?” Aunt Maragret asked.
Uncle Tim snorted. “He’s been saying that for twenty years.” He opened the door and climbed out, and Aunt Margaret followed.
Jeff lingered a moment, delaying the inevitable, then got out himself; thin drops of cold rain beat down on his head and shoulders, dampening his hair and hoodie. Kelsey, arms still defiantly crossed, sat where she was, brows furrowed stormily. His first instinct was to leave her alone, but now that Mom and Dad were gone, he was sort of responsible for her. “You coming?” he asked.
“No,” she spat.
The venom in her voice was strong enough to kill a grown man ten times over. Jeff’s resolve wavered and he almost walked away. “You have to,” he said.
Uncle Tim and Aunt Margaret stood by the trunk, Aunt Margaret with her head ducked against the rain and Uncle Tim grabbing Kelsey’s bags.
“I don’t want to,” she said, “I wanna go back to Franklin.”
He couldn’t believe he was saying this - well, thinking it - but he did too. “I know, but you can’t.”
She drew a deep breath and pushed it back out again in a savage rush.
Jeff opened his mouth, then reconsidered what he was going to say. Uncle Tim doesn’t want us so it’s this or an orphanage. He glanced at his uncle through the rear window, then leaned in. “We don’t have a choice,” he said, “we can’t stay with Uncle Tim.”
“I could have stayed with Kendall.”
Kendall Kramer was Kelsey’s best friend. They did everything together, from putting on make-up to talking back to the teacher, and leaving her behind hurt Kelsey more than she would ever admit.
Jeff was starting to get annoyed, but forced himself to be patient. Losing Mom and Dad was just as hard on her as it was on him, if not harder. “No, you couldn’t have. Her parents didn’t want you living with them, no one wants you living with them but Grandma and Grandpa.”
That came out much, much harsher than he meant, and Kelsey flinched. Great job. You should be a councillor one day. Why yes, little Susie, your mommy probably does hate your guts. “Me too,” he quickly added. “We just have to make the best of it. I don’t want to either but…what else am I going to do?”
She turned her head pointedly away, and Jeff rolled his eyes. Whatever.
Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he slammed the door and went around to the trunk. The mud sucked at his Vans and he almost stepped out of them.
Grandpa had come outside and stood on the porch, a cup of coffee clutched in one hand. Tall and lanky with white hair and a Wayatt Earp mustache, he wore a thermal undershirt tucked into dark brown trousers. His face was rugged and weatherbeaten, but unlined, and his blue eyes were sharp and crystal clear. He was sixty-six but if he dyed his hair, he could pass for fifty, maybe even forty-five.
He flashed a tight smile and nodded, and Jeff nodded back. Grandpa was what the books might call a salt-of-the-earth type. He worked at the paper mill in Lucas for thirty years, voted Democrat until they got too far left, and raised chickens and pigs out back (today only a few hens and a single rooster remain). He looked tough because he was, and he looked mean but wasn’t.
Uncle Tim slammed the trunk lid and, with a bulging bag in each hand, he struggled to the porch, Aunt Margaret trailing behind. Jeff glanced at the car to see if Kelsey was going to get out, and when she didn’t, he went on without her. Fine, he thought, be that way.
“What’cha got in there?” Grandpa asked and nodded to the bags.
With a grunt of exertion, Uncle Tim sat them on the top step and leaned back as if to crack a troublesome muscle. “Kelsey’s stuff,” he said. “She brought everything we could fit.”
Because Uncle Tim only had the car, Jeff and Kelsey couldn’t bring much. Grandpa was going to hire a moving truck to get the rest and bring it out. Kelsey, laboring under the delusion that whatever she didn’t pack was going to be thrown in the garbage (or worse, given to charity) stuffed every single outfit, plush teddy bear, shoe, and keepsake into her bag that she could.
Jeff came up the stairs to get out of the rain and Grandpa looked at him. “That all you got?” he asked.
“Yeah, I don’t bring anything else.”
The corners of Granda’s mouth turned slightly up in one of his muted quarter-smiles that you’d be forgiven for mistaking for gas. “There you go,” he said, “a real man travels light.”
“A real man helps his uncle with heavy things,” Uncle Tim put in. “Grab one of these bags, will you?”
Jeff picked one up, and his arm nearly came out of his socket. Uncle Tim wasn’t lying, it was heavy.
Grandpa scurried ahead, opened the door, and stepped aside. Jeff stopped, got a better grip, and fought the bag across the threshold.
The living room was a pit of gloom, lit only by the blue glow of an ancient TV and the light falling in from the kitchen. The local news was on, a weatherman standing before a map of the area and chattering about low pressure systems and umbrellas, and metal clanging sounded from the kitchen. Jeff took a deep breath through his nose then coughed. Moth balls, old people, and rump roast.
To his left, an armchair and a canned rocker bookended a wing-back loveseat with an Afhgan draped over the back. Framed photos dotted the green-papered walls. Knick-knacks, doilies, and ornamental plates packed a scarred oak-wood hutch that looked as old as Grandpa, if not older.
A broad set of oaken stairs to Jeff’s right provided access to the second floor. Being careful not to knock any of the pictures down or trip on the runner, Jeff carried the bag to the top. The hall was pitch black and he stopped to feel along the wall for the lightswitch. He’d been coming here every summer since he was a kid and still had trouble finding it.
When he got it, dim yellow light filled the hall, chasing the shadows to the corners, where they nested and plotted their return. Up here, the walls were split in two by brown chair rail molding, beige paper with a floral pattern on top and wood paneling below. A vase full of artificial flowers stood on an end table in a little alcove, and scuffed wood flooring creaked under Jeff’s weight. The spicy scent of age seasoned the warm air and black and white photos of relatives Jeff had never met stared down at him as he passed.
There were three rooms up here. Grandma and Grandpa’s was at the end of the hall and Jeff and Kelsey’s on either side. At Kelsey’s door, he turned the knob and went inside.
Back home, Kelsey had a TV and a computer in her room, ditto Jeff, but here the accommodations were little more Spartan: A single neatly made bed, a dresser, and a rocking chair by the window. Wan light fell through lacy white curtains and suffused the darkness. A florid landscape panting hung above the bed and a full length mirror took up one dusty corner.
With only her phone to keep her occupied, Kelsey was going to be bored.
And when Kelsey was bored, she bellyached.
Leaving the bag on the bed, he went downstairs. Uncle Tim and Aunt Maragret stood in the foyer with Grandpa, and Grandma doted on Kelsey, who finally decided to join them. Grandma brushed her fingers through the little girl’s hair and cooed like she was the most adorable thing ever. “It’s so good to see you,” Grandma said.
“You too,” Kelsey said, partly to be polite and partly honest.
Grandma unhanded her and turned to Jeff. “You get taller every time I see you,” she said and held out her arms.
A short, rotund woman with long, messy hair the color of burnished steel and a pleasant face, she wore a red flannel shirt over a billowy black T-shirt that rustled with her movements. She believed in comfort over style and preferred men’s clothing to women’s because they fit better. Her hands were calloused and mannish from years of carpentry and tending the land, and her arms, when she wrapped them around Jeff’s lithe frame, thrummed with power like high tension wires. All those decades of chopping wood really paid off, he guessed.
“I’m only six,” Jeff demurred.
“Almost as tall as your grandfather,” she said.
“6’2,” Grandpa said. He looked at Uncle Tim, who barely reached 5’7. “It skips a generation.”
Uncle Tim snorted. “At least I don’t have to duck under everything.”
“You have to stretch,” Grandpa said. He patted Uncle Tim’s belly. “Think you’d have less of this.”
‘I’m saving up for the winter,” Uncle Tim said.
“Must gonna be a long winter,” Grandpa said.
After Uncle Tim and Aunt Margaret left, Jeff took his own bag to his room and sat heavily on the edge of the bed. Like Kelsey’s, it was sparsely furnished with a bed, a dresser, a high boy, a wardrobe, and a desk and chair set. Jeff drew a deep breath and looked around, taking in every detail. He loved his grandparents and their house was a place of good feelings and good memories, but he didn't want to live there.
As filled with love as it might be, it wasn’t home.
Home was his parents, home was his room in Franklin, home was the lax rules and minimal oversight Mom and Dad employed. His grandparents weren’t overbearing, but they were different, older, and their ways weren’t his parents’.
He’d just have to get used to it, though.
Because his parents were dead and from now on, this place, this town, was his life.
Like he told Kelsey in the car, they just had to make the best of it.
And he honestly believed that.
But the question was: Could he?
And for that, he had no answer.
***
Robert Dunham, chief of the Westernport Police Department, started Thursday morning as he did any other: With whiskey, coffee, and a visit to Faye’s Diner.
A tall, lank man with black hair beginning to gray at the temples and icy blue eyes that belied his genuine warmth, Dunham had lived his entire forty-three years in Westernport, and had been eating breakfast at Faye’s every day since he was fifteen. It was a ritual for him, and if Dunham was anything, it was a creature of habit. He woke at the same time every morning, went to bed at the same time each night, and did the same things he’d been doing for twenty years in exactly the same way.
His philosophy was this: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Change isn’t a bad thing, but too many people these days just aren’t happy with consistency. With all the computers, Facebook, and iPhones, the human attention span had shrunk and now everyone had ADHD and just can’t sit still. Dunham’s parents, like many of the old timers inhabiting the hills around Westernport, were livestock farmers, simple people with simple ways and conservative values. They went to bed at the same time every night, had dinner at the same time every evening, and watched the same TV programs every week. They rarely deviated from course, and alterations came few and far between. For example, Dunham’s folks had the same living room set for forty years. It was plaid, threadbare, and ugly, but comforting too, because while everything outside changed, it - and everything else in the house - remained the same, an island of stability in the shifting sands of time.
He didn’t always feel that way. When he was younger, Westernport bored him to tears; outside of mudding, swimming in the river, and watching the mountains erode, there wasn’t much to do. If you had a car, you could drive the twenty miles to Cumberland where there were restaurants, a movie theater, the YMCA, and the mall, but if not, you were pretty much out of luck. As a kid, he wanted action, adventure, big cities, all the things you’d expect a rural farm boy to pine for.
But he never got them. He stayed right here in town, married, joined the department, divorced, and passed his days doing his best Andy Griffith - which was pretty good, if he said so himself.
Like the fabled town of Mayberry, Westernport was clean, polite, and safe. No one left their doors unlocked - even Aunt Bea wouldn’t do that - but if they forgot to before turning in, well, chances are nothing would happen anyway.
Unfortunately, that was beginning to change. Meth production (and consumption) was quickly becoming a popular pastime in the area just like it was in small towns across the nation. Last year, the state police raided a house on Pine Street and seized enough meth to power a fleet of truckers for a month, and the year before that, a tweaker attacked someone at Dell’s Tavern and nearly killed him. Dunham likened it to cancer. Right now, they were in the early stages, but give it time and it would spread.
Another sign of the times, he supposed.
Whether change was good or not, it was beginning to creep in like the rising tide, and sometimes, it left him feeling lost.
That made his daily visits to Faye’s all the sweeter.
Situated on the corner of Church Street and Victory Post Road, Faye’s was housed in a converted rail car, long and narrow with big plate-glass windows and a chrome finish. Neon letters spelled DINER across the roof like a beacon to the hungry, and a special board by the door listed all of the things you could buy inside...which wasn’t much. Faye kept the menu simple and cheap. It wasn’t fancy food, but it was good, stuck to your ribs, and didn’t break your wallet.
Just past eight, Dunham pulled into the gravel parking lot and frowned at the pick-up truck in his usual spot. Such a small thing and inconsequential, but it still nagged him as he drew alongside it and parked. His greatest flaw, his ex-wife Jeni said, was being “OCD.” He liked things done a certain way and when something wasn’t the way it ought to be, it bothered him, like a loose pebble in his shoe. He didn’t see that as a flaw, but he could admit that he took it a little too far sometimes.
Obviously, or else Jeni wouldn’t have left him.
Shoving those thoughts away lest they sour his mood, he killed the engine and got out. Cold drops of rain pelted his green canvas coat and mud squelched beneath his meticulously polished boots. Inside, a lunch counter flanked the back wall and booths with red vinyl upholstery lined the front. A Pac-Man cabinet that hadn’t worked in twenty years sat next to the bathrooms, and the warm smells of sizzling bacon, frying eggs, and hashbrowns drifted from the order window. A fat man in a green vest and a John Deere cap with a mesh back took up one of the stools, his hairy ass crack bared to the world, and a waitress in a pink uniform refilled his coffee, then went to the window, where a plateful of pancakes waited.
Dunham unzipped his coat, brushed the hem behind his gun, and sat, leaving two spaces between him and the trucker. “What’d you say, Curt?” he asked.
Curt Fields glanced at him, then grinned when he realized who it was. “Hey, Bobby,” he said, “cleaning up the streets?”
Another lifer - one who had grown up in Westernport and was fated to die there as well - Curt drove for P.H. Anderson Trucking out of Cumberland. He and Dunham went to school together and were good friends in seventh and eighth grade. They drifted apart in high school. There was no reason...no bad blood, no umbridge...it just happened. “Not on an empty stomach,” Dunham said archly.
The waitress came back, grabbed a mug, and sat it in front of Dunham in one fluid motion, as though she had been doing this for thirty-five years. To be fair, she had. Tall with bushy blonde hair streaked through with gray, Maud Anson was like Faye’s itself: A permanent fixture by which you could set your watch. Deep lines radiated from the corners of her mouth and eyes and her skin had gradually taken the appearance of cracked leather. She had to be in her sixties, but Dunham didn’t know and had never asked: It’s not polite to ask a woman her age.
“Mornin’, Bob,” she said and filled the cup.
“Morning, Maud.”
“Usual?”
Dunham mulled that over a moment. Creature of habit though he may be, he did enjoy occasionally mixing things up. Normally, he had an egg (sunny side up), two strips of bacon, two sausage links, and a piece of white toast, lightly burned. It was good, it filled him up, and that’s all that mattered to him. These days, he was starting to think Jeni was right.
You’re too predictable, she huffed once, it’s irritating.
In his defense, Jeni was one of those people who fetishize leaving their small town. When they first started dating in high school, they both wanted to get the hell out of Westernport, and some evenings, they’d park on Prospect Hill, lay in the bed of Dunham’s battered hand-me-down Ford, and gaze up at the stars while talking about all the places they wanted to go. Dunham eventually grew up and got practical, Jeni didn’t; she was a near forty-year-old woman with stars in her eyes and still dreaming of New York City, as though it weren’t an overtaxed, anti-cop hell hole.
She hated the mundane and the predictable...and unfortunately, he was both of those things.
Maud was looking at him funny, and he sighed. “Switch out the sausage for grits,” he said.
Nodding, she jotted his order down in her notepad, ripped it out, and stuck it to the wheel.
While he waited, Dunham sipped coffee and went through his mental to-do list. The dining room filled by degrees until every seat was taken and the roaring din of three dozen voices talking at once choked the air. Willey Harper, Westernport’s resident drunk, sat on Curt’s left and conversed with Dan Strode, the minister. Tall and willowy with a shock of white hair, an unkempt beard, and perpetually bleary eyes, Willey was the janitor at the high school before he hurt his back and went on disability. For nearly ten years, he’d been cashing other people’s tax dollars and drinking himself stupid. Dan, short and pudgy with glasses and a combover, had conducted every burial, marriage, and Baptism in Westernport since George Bush Sr. was president.
After eating, Dunham laid a twenty down on the counter and left. The rain had slackened and a chilly breeze washed over him. He zipped his jacket up, ducked his head, and went to the car. Behind the wheel, he started the engine, backed up, and swung right. A truck hauling timber blasted by on Victory Post Road, and Dunham’s eyes went to the rusted chains keeping the logs together. Ever since Final Destination 2, those trucks made him nervous. All it took was one weak link and BAM, Armageddon in downtown Westernport.
Turning left, he drove the three blocks to the police station, a modern brick-and-glass building on Church Street with a blue awning over the door. He parked in the side lot, cut the engine, and got out.
In the lobby, he wiped his feet on the carpet and shook himself dry like a fussy dog. Tammy Reid, the secretary/dispatcher, sat behind a counter shielded from the public by durable plexiglass, her plain face buried in paperwork. A man-sized door to its right provided access to the squad room, and Durham went through.
Cluttered desks dotted a wide, tile-floored room, and metal filing cabinets stood sentry against dingy white walls. Billy Norton, the station rookie, got up from his terminal and carried a sheet of paper over to the fax machine. Tall and thin with blonde hair, his brown uniform fit him perfectly, but still seemed somehow too big, as though he were a kid playing dress up and not a real cop at all. The illusion was strongest when he laughed.
Mike Van Scoy came out of the break room with a styrofoam cup of coffee and took a long, languid sip, looking for all the world like a man who wasn’t on the clock. A ten year veteran of the force, he was Billy’s opposite in every way: Short, olive complexioned, and cynical to the point of parody. Crime wasn’t ubitious to Westernport the way it was to larger towns, but listening to Mike talk, you’d think he’d seen everything from serial killers to terrorism. In actuality, the worst thing he ever saw was -
Dunham’s lips settled into a sour frown.
“Morning, Chief,” Mike said.
“Morning,” Dunham said. Mike fell in next to him. “Anything exciting happen?”
Mike worked the overnight shift along with Gavin Holmes. “Just Craig Donner beating his girlfriend up again.”
Dunham made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat. Every town over a certain size has its designated Bad Boy, and Craig Donner had been Westernport’s since he was fifteen. A few years older than Dunham, he started small, egging windows and fighting, then graduated to theft, assault, and manufacture and sale of meth. Willey Harper might be the town drunk, but Craig Donner wasn’t far behind, and whereas Willey was a happy drunk who didn’t bother anyone, Craig got mean. In the nearly twenty years Dunham had been with the department, he ran Craig in on thirteen different occasions, five of them for slapping his girlfriend, Candy, around.
“Is he in a cell?” Dunham asked. There were ten holding cells in the basement, all of them empty as of yesterday afternoon.
Mike shook his head. “Nah, Candy begged me not to so I left him.”
That was Candy alright. When Craig got liquored up and started hitting her, she called, then when it came time to put him in the back of the car, she went to pieces. Dunham didn’t believe in victim blaming, but Candy had every opportunity to get away from Craig and be done with it, but she never took it.
Hard to feel sorry for someone being bitten by a rabid dog when they refuse to leave its kennel.
“Anything else?” Dunham asked.
“No, sir,” Mike said and took a sip.
“Alright, you can go home.”
Mike nodded and rushed off, and Dunham went into his office. A small but tidy space with blue carpet, white walls, and a large oak desk that gleamed in the overhead lights, it was an oasis of order and stability and here, surrounded by plaques, certificates, and commendations from the state (some signed by the governor himself), Dunham found the peace that he had long missed at home.
Sitting, he powered on his computer, then slipped a glossy photograph from the desk’s center drawer. A pretty girl about sixteen smiled up at him, her blonde hair spilling over her shoulder like waves of wheat and her crystal blue eyes still like mountain lakes. The atmosphere darkened with tension and Dunham’s lips screwed up in a puckered grimace.
Veronica Nicely was three weeks shy of her seventeenth birthday when someone killed her in September. Her body was found in a farmer’s field west of town. She was fully clothed and face down, arms and legs splayed like the broken appendages of a discarded mannequin. Her chest and stomach had been slashed with razor sharp talons and her entrails fell onto the ground with a sickening wet plop when the medical examiner turned her over. Shedded fur salted her tacky skin and the ground around her.
Dunham concluded that she was attacked by either a large dog or by the wolves who lived in the surrounding hills.
Then the M.E. found the bite marks on her legs and inner thighs.
They were human.
Later on, the M.E. ascertained that the other wounds were made with a razor, not claws. They’re too clean, he said and traced one with his gloved pointer finger. Claw marks are messy, they tear the flesh. These are clean and precise.
The killer wanted to make it look like an animal attack and did such a good job it fooled Dunham. If it weren’t for modern forensics, they might have gotten away with it.
In the near two months since, Dunham had been following leads, asking questions, and compiling evidence...of which there wasn’t much. Veronica was pretty, popular, and kind; she never got into trouble, didn’t have a boyfriend, and didn’t drink or use drugs. At first, Dunham surmised that she was known to the killer, but by now, he had to admit that it was probably random, the work of an itinerant killer just passing through, here and gone like a shadow in the night.
That nagged him. Having a cold case on his hands triggered his OCD and left him feeling restless. Thinking of her...a bright and vivacious girl with a promising future snatched rudely away...pissed him off. Her killer was out there right this very second while she lay under six feet of dirt in Mount Carmel. The unfairness of it all weighed down on Dunham’s shoulders and if he wasn’t careful, it would start to consume him.
“We’ll find him,” he promised, and the croak of his voice in the silence disturbed him. This was one of his daily rituals, soothing in its monotony. At this point, he didn’t know if they’d catch her killer or not, but as long as he was out there, Dunham had hope.
Returning the photo to the drawer, Dunham logged onto his computer and started his day.
submitted by Jrubas to LetsReadOfficial [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 07:35 ferhewa What would you ask your past self? (storytime and possible discussion)

I can make this some kind of serious discussion post if you guys want to share what you think you would say to your younger selves. So go right ahead if you feel like it, it would be nice having someone real to talk to.
I recently got in touch with one of my old friends and I was shocked at how little she changed after three years. She said it herself, and I claimed there must have been something, because it feels weird feeling like the only one who is a totally different person.
Around that time I have been thinking at 1. how much I miss my past 2. how much I have changed and 3. what I would tell myself from four years ago.
I am a senior in high school now, but when I was just about to become a freshman I had to switch from private Catholic schooling to a boarding/public school for better a better college application. At the time, I was terrified if I was going to not fit in. It was middle school and I didn't really have a phone yet, so I severed all connection with my old friends on the last day of school that year in 2017. One of the best but saddest nights of my life. Getting to dance with my crush who I dated briefly before the big graduation dance, dancing with my friends, and making a dramatic entrance and exit.
And now I imagine that poor kid, terrified of this new school albeit moving schools for the first time 4 years before and acclimating just fine. I feel as if I am in front of my past self, staring into her gullible and unknowing eyes. And I burn of regret and pity. Now allow me to elaborate.
To answer if I ever fit in; I never, ever did. Never a single friend at that school, and it was as painful as she feared it would be.
Instead I desperately tried for months until I gave up and found some online friends in 2018 and became friends with them for a few years. They were extremely toxic and probably gave me more emotional wreckage than attempting to make real friends would give me, but I was too scared to reach out and look even more desperate. We would often fight and roast each other until the whole chat was in flames, but at the time it was fun and younger me never really thought of having healthy friendships again. I did love them, but fighting quickly grew into the norm. This continued on for years until COVID separated all of us and my inevitable shutdown from continuous gaslighting from them but also from me. I refused to make any more friends at that school or outside of this circle since it was so much of my life and drained all of my energy.
And so I look at me from 4 years ago knowing I could have just been brave before meeting those people and just latched onto someone until they liked me. I want to say "I'm sorry," but I do not want to tell her that the worst happened.
I also used to have a LOT of hobbies. I used to make films, podcasts, draw, photograph, photoshop, cook, play an instrument, and game. Whenever I was done with homework I would always go do one of these hobbies and I would have so much fun. In middle school I would attend random events to take photos and build up my skill. I used to draw a lot of fan art. I was not very good but I had fun. Due to having such a bleak outlook so early into high school I easily let my depression culminate into chronic depression and gave up half of those.
And in the latter half I gave up the rest of my hobbies to study. I was actually studying before going into sad foo hours and deciding to write this here instead of to my new therapist. My mother kept on yelling me about my grades, "I don't send you to this school for you to be average!" So I study and I study until I forget how to draw, how to control the aperture triangle, how to use the Adobe Suite. I am taking multiple college courses to be an engineer next year, but I see people today making content I would have been able to make today if I just pursued my dreams and passions instead of sacrificing my life's worth to the education system. A week ago I actually laughed at people like TommyInnit, but now that I see who the hell he is and how he made it I am appalled. He's pretty stupid but he's happy doing what he loves. That could have been me if I had just done what I wanted. I could have been a really great photographer, or film maker, or artist if not for my depression giving me creative art block for YEARS and my authoritative mother grooming me for a high class career in a high class college.
And so I look at my younger self, and I can't even say anything. This was my doing, and I ruined my chance at a unique and happy life. I ruined this once happy teenager's dreams and passions. I may have changed like a book character, but at what cost? I was pressured into taking a career I never wanted, and I look at myself who hasn't dated since those middle school days. I haven't been happy like I used to four years ago well since, four years ago, since that night.
But what if I told her? I bet she would cry, especially if I said what happened to her was not just luck but her own fear and anger ruining her. She would cry learning the worst actually happened. That I tried so many stupid things to end the cycle of fighting and depression. I would want to cry too, but tell her no matter how much I changed that I hoped she would still be there, wanting to pick up a camera or tablet again in a futile attempt to photograph or draw again. Because she still is there, and really only came back out of hiding once I ended that friendship with those online friends. I doubt I'll ever be happy again, considering I have sold my soul away for a wasted lottery ticket.
It's too late to drop my studies and pursue my flair again, because I grew into the mentality, "No productivity is wasted time," basically an insecurity complex that makes me study long into the night until I pass out from no sleep or no food. I get super anxious and depressed whenever I get happy from watching in person jazz concerts or stuff I am looking forward to, and actually go through withdrawals after I become ecstatic.
So in the end I look at her and I don't want to tell her because I will cry too. I don't want to tell her she wasted her life to compete with those try hard students although we have no time management or motivation. I don't want to tell her she never made any friends at that school and spent years driving home sobbing because people would shoot looks at me for being a loner. But if I did, would that break the cycle and make her happier in the end? Would that help her to become one of those stupid content creators that are so happy doing what they love and making everyone proud in the process?
submitted by ferhewa to sad [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 07:12 random-user9876 34 [M4F] Shy guy looking for someone to flirt with

Looking for something “non-platonic”
Single guy; never married. I have limited online friendship/ dating experience. Looking to find someone to chat long term with and, if possible, flirt with to satisfy the hopeless romantic in me.
I’m an amateur photographer; horology enthusiast and a novice biker.
I like watching all kinds of movies and TV series as long as the plot catches my attention.
Listen to all kinds of music depending on my mood. Favourite band is AC/DC. I keep an open mind to all kinds of music and don’t worry about language.
Love travelling; keen to go on a trip once the lockdown is lifted.
Okay with Reddit chat but would prefer to chat on other apps.
submitted by random-user9876 to Kikpals [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 06:03 Hiiawatha [28M] not sure what boundaries to set with [25F] friend who is engaged to a [34M]

TLDR; plutonic friend and I have gotten very close and I get the feeling where I currently have my boundaries set are in a very grey area. What are okay things to do with an opposite sex friend who is also engaged? Details below.
I am a 28 y/o living off my my savings while going back to finish my bachelors degree. In January I met a fellow classmate who I will refer to as L and we became friends rather quickly. I had decided not to go any further than my Associates degree in 2016 and transitioned into the working world. Over those four years I lost a significant amount of my friendships and the ones I struck up never really lasted. I struggled with Anxiety and Depression and after seeking help and counseling I finally got the courage to go back to school. This is where I met L. We worked together on multiple group projects and connected based on being NPR nerds, writers and Communication majors. I noticed very quickly that she was married/engaged because of some very specific history I had.
When I was working towards my associates degree in 2012 I met my ex S who was my last serious relationship. We dated for two years and the relationship ended rather bitterly on both ends in 2014 and I have not had a serious relationship since then. S was also engaged at the time I met her and being a completely stupid 19 year old I didn’t pay attention to the ring until I had already developed serious feelings for her and even more stupidly decided to pursue her anyway. She stated that she had already broken up with her fiancé but wore the ring so that she didn’t cause drama in her family before she was comfortable telling them of the breakup ( yes I realize now that was total BS and the whole time I was pursuing her she was probably cheating on her fiancé)
That situation has led me to be very cautious around ring spotting so when I met L I took note of that quickly. Since we got along well and worked together in school, when the spring semester ended we remained in contact and attended a summer class together too.
[Important note. When we met in January, classes were in person. My school transitioned to online around March. ]
Since then we have also signed up for two more classes together in the fall, one of them being our foreign language course that is required for graduation. This course finds us studying over zoom or FaceTime almost daily at this point. Up to this point I feel that everything is kosher boundaries wise. Every day zoom chats are a bit on the intense side but the rest of this is either not okay or in the gray zone and as such I’d like opinions on where I should try and draw a line going forward.
So, she admitted to me that she struggles with anxiety and had not sought help for it at any point in her life. I shared my experiences and recommendations given my personal history with anxiety. From this I think she found it easy to confide in me a lot of personal information regarding her relationship with her Fiancé.
Fiancé is [34]M who is also attending school online though via a different school and also working. They met at a previous place of employment and have been together for 4 years now. I will refer to him as E. L has confided in me that there are problems in their relationship. She has talked to me about how E never initiates intimacy and also refuses her advancements on most occasions. She has talked to me about how she is frequently annoyed when she is around him as well as that she wouldn’t fee comfortable mothering E’s children (she did not explain why).
She also has stated that she really loves her Fiancé, and that she struggles to envision her life without him. This has been stated multiple times in our conversations over the past few months and I do honestly believe she loves that man.
None of this info jumps out to me as something you wouldn’t confide in with a friend, but I sometimes wonder if my position as a Male AND a friend make that more complicated. But the big complication occurred this weekend.
We had a major paper due in one of the classes we have together and I invited her to come over to my apartment to work on it together. She has been a person who has taken the quarantine very seriously, always doing curbside for food or groceries and only seeing her immediate family. This meant I was the first non family person she has seen since March. We ordered a pizza, worked on our paper, played cards, etc. but it was a major paper so we didn’t finish it before we gave up working for the evening when she turned on a documentary and we ended up talking and playing cards well past 2am.
I found this to be very fun, she makes me laugh, is smart and helps me with my homework; it was a good time. But I realize the abnormality of an engaged woman staying out at a male friends place past 2am. She was for a long time contemplating staying on the couch in my room at the apartment (I have a roommate) which I did say would be okay if she really didn’t want to drive home, but gently encouraged her to go which she eventually did.
So I’m sure many of you have already formed opinions on my feelings for this girl and I would say most of you are only half right. Will I admit she is an attractive girl? Yes. Will I admit that there are a lot of things we share in common? Yes. Will I admit I have romantic feelings for her? No. I want to be this girls friend and help her with her career goals and see her happy. But due to my personal experience with girls in relationships, I would never pursue a relationship with her while she is engaged. So would I pursue one if she broke up with her Fiancé? Also no. At least not initially. My best friend one of the few I still have left was devastated by infidelity in her marriage that ended in a divorce and so I really do not entertain the idea of cheating.
Now I’m sure some of you are calling bullshit and that I have been enabling L’s emotional cheating for months now. Which might be a fair accusation and if it is I will really reflect on how I am handling this friendship going forward, it’s part of the reason I’m here. But specifically I’d like to know some thoughts on a few questions
1.) she claims that her fiancé trusts her and knows that our chats and us now hanging out in person is just that, hanging out. How likely is this to be true? He is often in the room while we are studying over zoom and doesn’t seem to make comments that lead me to believe he is against it so I personally think there is a possibility that is how he really feels about our friendship.
2.) Is my best course of action to sit her down and talk to her about this, basically explaining everything that I have laid out in this post but just with her? I think the answer is probably yes,
3.) If I do need to share my concerns with our boundaries how can make sure not to overload her or make her feel guilty (regardless of if she is or not). I see her situation as a really difficult one and so I won't fault her for anything she thinks is right, I can disagree with it but I want to make sure she knows I don't think less of her because she is in a difficult situation with difficult decisions to make.
submitted by Hiiawatha to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 05:35 throwawaycococay AITA My best friend is into theatre and his company is putting on a virtual immersive experience

I'm a technician for theatre. We've been friends for a couple decades now and met because of theatre.
Anyway, this production is on zoom. I don't like video chat unless I absolutely have to (job interviews) because I have anxiety about it.
So there was a production some time ago and I bought the tickets and was excited to watch it. Then, a few days before I was informed that it was immersive and I was going to need to participate. We had a little argument about it and after some attempts at manipulation from him I basically said, "I care about supporting your production and you, that's why I bought the ticket and donated extra. I'll watch it but won't be participating though." So he basically told me to just forget it, so I did.
Just recently the production came back. He invited me and I said sure, I'd join. We had a discussion about why I didn't want to participate, and the only explanation I need to give is "I don't want to because I have anxiety about it." So that's what I said.
He asked me why and I said I didn't want to talk about it. He respected that and we left it at that.
I'm immigrating to another country hopefully soon. Long story short I asked him to drive cross-country with me to the airport (because of dog) and I'd pay for his plane ticket back home. He agreed and then a day later he texted me, "I'll only drive you there if you come to the show and participate." Basic summary of the conversation that ensued was him, "friends do things for each other", me, "I'll come to the show but I don't feel comfortable participating."
So tonight was the show and I joined it but kept my camera and microphone off. It was a cool idea but definitely not my cup of tea. I still enjoyed it though. I didn't budge during the parts that participation was needed, and there were many attempts from him to lure me into participating. I felt that didn't really respect my anxieties at all. But still, I kept watching. Then after the show he sent me a few texts basically saying he wished for a half hour I could have put someone else before my desires for once. That is completely off base especially because 1) I do that often and 2) anxiety isn't about desires. Then he said "thanks for nothing."
I paid for the ticket, I donated, I joined the video chat. I didn't participate but does that really make me the ass hole that he's so convinced that I am?
Edit: grammar
Edit: he texted me a day later, not a couple hours
Text messages since I posted:
Me: Look, anxiety isn't about my desires. I joined the zoom call and enjoyed watching it. I loved the costumes and scripting. I appreciate how you all are making the best out of a shitty situation with COVID. Truly though I don't need to explain my anxieties and I don't need to do anything Im not comfortable with, especially since I paid to be there. I didn't join the breakout room because I knew you'd try to convince me to participate. I also didn't wish you a nice job right away because I also knew you'd angrily text me and I wanted you to get that out of the way first. Our friendship is not based on if I decide to participate in a zoom theatre production....at least in my opinion. I can understand that you feel passionate about this and I really did enjoy it for the most part. I just didn't want to participate and that's my right. If I didn't care about you or our friendship I wouldn't have come at all
Him: I'm a professional. If you woulda joined the breakout, I would have gone with my script. No convincing of any kind. And when you said hi buddy. Didn't appreciate that at all. [I sent him a reply to his private message asking if I was there] You're an artist like I am. Why tf would you try and break the illusion like that? This isn't something that I have to get out of the way. Like wtf man. This isn't a joke. I'm upset at you. It was the last show and guess what, because you were being a stubborn ass, you took me out of it. It was not a strong performance on my part. I'm fucking done. We're done. You don't have respect for me obviously. You're the only one, the ONLY person who didn't say or do anything. This wasn't theatre in the traditional sense. And I tried to explain it to you. And you just didn't give a shit. I don't care that you came, I don't care that you spent 15 dollars. That doesn't matter to me at all. You left us out to fucking dry. You left me to dry in a breakout. Which proves to me that you don't have respect for me or decency to just go along with a show for a half an hour. You were the only person to do this. We did this show 67 times. To well over 1000 different people. And none of them did what you did. I just wish you had listened to me and not have come. I wouldn't be upset like I am now. I've done a lot for you. Made sacrifices. Did things that I maybe didn't wanna do. I even agreed to fucking drive across county with you. And you can't fucking say something to some FUCKING CHARACTERS in a show for a goddamn half hour. And the worse part is you don't give two shits about any of this or about how I feel. That's literally the worst part of all of this.
Me: I understand you're upset at me. What I'm failing to understand is how you seem to have a complete disregard of my anxieties involving video chat. I don't need to explain that to you or anybody. I joined the show because I wanted to support you. Had I not come to the show we'd be having the same conversation that we're having now but you'd be mad that I didn't come. That's not respecting my boundaries. For you, it's a half hour and easy. For me it's not. You're an actor, I'm not. I'm sorry for saying hi to you. I didn't mean it disrespectfully or as an attempt to ruin the illusion. I only did that because it was private chat. And you agreed to drive across the country with me and then proceeded to manipulate the situation into forcing me to participate or you would not drive. Regardless of how that was going to play out I still decided to join the show
Edit 2 text messages prior to the show:
This conversation occurred 1 day after he agreed to drive with me across the country
Him: I'm telling you about it now. The only way that I will drive with you to Los Angeles if you come see the book club. It's making a guest appearance at --------------- immersive virtual theater Festival. It runs mid October.
Me: Well that seems a bit manipulative. What do you mean come to see it? Where is it?
Him: It's online. Just like it was last time, just like the time you didn't come see it.Hopefully the word virtual would've given that away
Me: Yes but you said come to see it...that made it seem like a physical festival showcasing the virtual theatre. I'll watch it but I'm covering my camera and aren't participating
Him: No. Why would you do that? Why don't you wanna participate? Like I'm genuinely curious, there's nothing to be afraid about
Me: Because it's not my cup of tea. You're asking me to watch it and I will, I just don't want to participate
Him: Well I'll believe it when I see it. The last time you said you'd come you bailed and I was really upset, still am kind of hurt. [As explained above, last time he dropped the participation bomb after I already bought the ticket and he told me to just forget it] I really do hope youll think about it and change your mind about participating. I think you would have a lot of fun. You don't even have to participate that much. We've had people come in turn off their camera and not say a damn word. It's not really as fun that way [interesting that he said in his recent texts to me that I was the only one to do what I had done] We're trying to tell a story and have the audience come away with something. If you just sit there barely listening you're not gonna come away with much at all
Me: Well I hope there's people that will carry my weight then. Ill enjoy it by watching and participating will take away any enjoyment I might have simply because it's digital. I don't like video chat, nothing at all to do with theatre or immersive theatre
Him: Really? So you won't participate because of the medium?
Me: Yep. Let me know the date. Will I have to pay again?
Him: I could care less about that I really just hope you participate. Literally if you want me to I will give you the questions that you would be asked. I'll send you the damn script if you want. For fucks sake grow up a little. This is what friends do for each other, they do things that maybe they don't entirely wanna do but they do it that way they can make the other friend happy. That's what friends do for each other. Friends are there for each other.
Me: Bro, I'm saying I'll watch it. Friends understand other friends hangups and respect them
Him: To answer your question I don't know. This is the ------------ festival, they run the show so I'm sure it's a little bit different than me saying I can or can't get you in for free. And I can give you a very good answer.
Me: I'll let you calm down and then we can continue this conversation
Him: I'm very calm. I want to hear your reasoning why the medium is putting you off so much from participating. Talking just a little bit. Literally the entire time that A participate might talk is a minute or two. And that's throughout the course of a half an hour event. And that's at most. Most of the questions are yes and or no.Hell I don't even care that you have your camera off. I could care less about that.You could be on mute for the entire time and just listen except when some of us will occasionally come to you for guidance. And I'll warn you, there are breakout rooms. So you'll go with either myself or Sarah or Beth. It's chosen at random, but I can request and assure you that you would go with me.Sorry I phrase that poorly, everybody is pretty much chosen at random unless one of us specifies that we want to take somebody into our break out. I can guarantee that it's you with me. I apologize, I have been texting over a possible answer from you.So why is the fact that this is being done virtually a complete turn off for you?
Me: "Literally the entire time that A participate might talk is a minute or two. And that's throughout the course of a half an hour event. And that's at most. " -- if that's little of a time then why is it so massively important for you that I participate? I want to come and watch it and will enjoy other people participating. I'm not going to participate myself and I'm not budging on it. You said it's important for you that I watch it and participate. I acknowledge both those and will only oblige the former. At this point it really just feels like an attempt to force me to participate when I've very clearly said I don't want to. So, I'll watch the show; I'll be there and most likely enjoy it. I won't participate. If that's not good enough for you then do what you have to
Him: Don't bother coming. I don't wanna inconvenience a night of yours. You haven't given me a reason, it's fine.
Me: It's not an inconvenience, I want to watch it. That's all though. I have no interest or inclination to participate and frankly I don't need a reason or to expand on the one I've already given. If you want me there, I'll be there. I'm not participating though
Him: You literally didn't give a reason.Look I really don't wanna say more because if I do I'm gonna get more and more heated and upset. Of course I can't control what you do, if you want to come great if you don't that's fine too. If you wanna participate that's awesome. Please do not say anything more about this let's just let it go
submitted by throwawaycococay to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 04:49 troian 29[M4F] AZ/USA - Guy looking to meet someone to chat with and see where it goes

Hey everyone!
I've tried online dating, and just can't seem to find anything. So, I figured with a little bit of extra courage, I'd try here.
About me: 29 years old. Engineer at a company. Love playing magic the gathering, watching movies both good and bad, board games, video games, reading, anime/manga, and pretty much down to try anything out. I'm a bit on the bigger side. 6'1", dark hair, blue/gray eyes, great smile ;)
I hope to hear from you, and am willing to exchange pictures in DMs. I want more than just a casual chit chat pen pal. If that's what you're looking for, too, then maybe we'll hit it off.
submitted by troian to r4r [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 04:44 FaithInStrangers94 In your experience, how receptive are women these days to being approached and flirted with?

Caveat I: notwithstanding the pandemic situation. Caveat II: If you’re respectful of their boundaries and have some social awareness and tact
Anecdote: I headed to the beach yesterday now that summer weather has rolled in - my aim wasn’t to pickup women but holy shit even on a lovely day at the seaside everyone’s eyes were glued to their phones. I tried to smile at a few girls as I walked past and got nothing in return, I tried to make small talk with a few girls at cafes and around the place and they just acted inconvenienced. I’m 6’5, fairly good looking, and pretty socially adept so I don’t think I give off a creepy vibe... I’m just taken aback by how difficult it seems to be to casually chat to someone these days.
The part that hurts is that I know half these girls who seem so guarded are probably taking selfies for dating apps where they’re willing to spend an evening with some schmuck they’ve never even spoken to, yet they’re not willing to chat for a few minutes to someone who approaches them politely. I guess they’re spoiled with choice online ( or so they appear to be) - so that’s how they’re being conditioned.
It just feels like everyone’s tolerance and patience has diminished, whilst their egos have risen dramatically, and they’ve always got their guard up. It’s like they’ve become a living avatar of their social media persona.
That’s just been my recent experience.
How do you feel about it?
P.S when I say polite I don’t mean like Michael Cera polite I mean still being my humorous and cocky self but mainly being respectful of their boundaries and acknowledging it they give off an uncomfortable vibe
submitted by FaithInStrangers94 to seduction [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 03:45 Eeejay20 ROMANTIC FEELINGS CAN BE A PESKY THING

THE BEGINNING
Peak COVID-19(March-April) in Perth, Australia was a particularly difficult time for a child-free [35 F] single immigrant without family around and living on her own, like me. Barren streets and isolated avenues only solidified the loneliness in my heart.
So, when the city started opening up in May, I was glad. Glad things were returning to normal. So glad that I downloaded a dating app after many years of being single and being away from the dating scene. Thought to myself that I must find someone nice in time, before and in case the second wave of COVID-19 struck.
After a few lackluster first dates with others, I matched with [39 M] VT in July. We chatted for a bit and later met on a date in a Japanese restaurant in the city. VT struck me as a charismatic and charming guy who had his act together. There was an instant chemistry between the two of us. We connected on our love for food, similar Asian backgrounds and education, indifference to sports, both of us neat freaks. I felt like I had known him forever.
I remember clearly articulating during our first date that I was looking for something long term and that I don’t do casual relationships. His silence and smile when I said this made me assume that he must be looking for the same.
On our second date, in between the flirting, cuddles and kisses, he mentioned that we wouldn’t be calling ourselves ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. In my eagerness to be loved and accepted, my brain hardly registered the meaning of this properly. Must have been my lack of dating experience. I didn’t ask him why not, though I did say, ‘In time, I will need all of you’. He listened and nodded. I asked for his phone number at the end of this date, but he refused to give it to me. I remember feeling slightly demeaned and insulted. But I brushed this feeling away.
On our third date, we discussed where we were headed as a couple and VT seemed sincere when he acknowledged that we had a chemistry and connection that shouldn’t be given up on. He told me that he was emotionally available. My hopes that he would stay with me on a long-term committed basis, soared. My guard must have dropped to the floor at this juncture.
THE DRAMA
We then had a fourth date, again with a lot of flirting, cuddles and kisses. Still no phone number at the end of it. I couldn’t take being treated like a sidepiece anymore. So I confronted him via a message on the dating app asking him what he wanted us to be and whether I was significant enough to him to share his phone number with.
That’s when he told me that he thought we were in different places in life, were looking for different things from a relationship and that we should remain friends. He had always portrayed himself as someone single and free from baggage, but I had my doubts at this point.
I asked him if he was truly single and unattached. He said he was unattached but some ‘personal matters’ were taking up his resources, hence his limited availability, time-wise and emotionally. My anger flared. I figured I couldn’t stay friends with him and unmatched him.
When I unmatched him, being a reasonably emotionally independent woman, I was under the impression that I could get over him. After all, we had only dated for a short period. What happened next though, was unprecedented. I hadn’t realized that every time I met VT, I was emotionally connecting to him a little more. Every time he touched me, I was attaching myself to him a little more.
Shortly after I unmatched him, a sense of loss came over me. The thought of never seeing VT again filled me with dread. I missed him so much that I felt the kind of pain one feels when someone close to them, dies. I remember crying a river at home, barely being able to function, only getting up from bed to go to work so I could continue paying my mortgage.
My mind went into overdrive over his ‘personal matters’- Was this man truly single? Was he going through a divorce? Had he lied about not having children? I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to look for him. To my amazement, a simple google search would reveal his phone number. The number that he wouldn’t share with the woman he was dating was available online for the whole world to see. I noted it down and sat on it for a few weeks. I waited to see if my feelings for him would subside.
When they didn’t, I texted him- ‘Hey, for a guy that won’t even give a girl his number, you’re incredibly easy to find’. I thought he would ignore me, but he replied and asked me how I had been. I told him I missed him terribly, that it hurt so bad. I asked him if he missed me too. All I got was- ‘I’ve thought of you’. I then told him that I had many doubts about his “personal matters” and that he should give me an explanation and closure. He told me to leave it in the past and move on. That was his final message. I guess his way of dealing with an issue was by not dealing with it.
Romantic feelings can be a pesky thing. You never know when they creep up on you and I cannot tell you at which point exactly during our dating, I caught feelings for VT. So, when I read his final message, my heart shattered. I felt so numb with pain. It hurt knowing that I mattered so little to the man I liked and that he had given up on an ‘us’ so easily.
My friends made me realize that VT had only showed me parts of him that he wanted to reveal and that he had concealed so much about himself. I had been played. I was angry. I couldn’t stay quiet. I wanted to convey to him the effects that his actions had on me. VT had told me while we were dating that he hated being bombarded by messages on his phone. This, I assumed, occurred primarily towards the end of his previous relationships.
So, I changed tact. I found his residential address out and mailed him a letter, the old-fashioned way. I admit I might have overstepped a line. Bunny Boiler Level 1. Ok, maybe 2. Blame it on my aching heart. Perhaps, I was trying to take some of my power back this way.
I told him in the letter that because of him, my guard would always be at least a thousand meters high, the next time I dated and that I would continuously doubt any man I met via online dating. I advised him that even though he was a respectful kinda guy when he met a woman face to face, respect to a woman also involved giving them his phone number, not concealing anything about his personal life and giving them closure, if possible and if it came to that.I told him that he should be upfront and direct about wanting a casual relationship during the initial chats, right after matching and before a first date, lest an emotional fool like me catches feelings and gets hurt down the line.
I wonder if he read the letter. I wonder if he considered the contents at all. I figure he probably hasn’t. He must still be out there breaking hearts. Must have gotten better and sneakier at it.
THE AFTERMATH
I am currently processing my hurt/grief aka his death to me. My rational mind reasons that VT was either not sure of what he wanted or was intentionally toying with me, was commitment phobic, only thought with his second brain and it is a good thing he left me early in the game. It blames me for not being smarter at my age, for falling for him so soon, despite his mistreatment and for crying a river over someone who hasn’t shed a single tear over me.
It blames me for going all-in and for not checking with him right after we matched, during our initial chats, if he was looking for something long-term. It tells me many people deal with unrequited feelings, that I can’t place the burden of those on VT and that I must pull up my socks and get over it. It also rationalizes that VT had every right to walk out on an ‘us’, after all we were only dating and he probably didn’t really like me that way, anyway. It tells me I should be grateful there is no round 2 of COVID yet, so there’s still time to find someone else.
My heart, however, understands none of this. It still wants the pieces that he took along with him, returned. I am waiting for the day my heart reconciles with my rational mind.
I have stepped away from the dating scene for the time being. I am emotionally unavailable, at least I realize this, so I won’t be hurting someone else. My loneliness problem has also been resolved. It has now been replaced with a lot of sadness. I’ll be meeting with a mind shrink in the near future. Maybe, popping a few pills is the antidote for a broken heart. It will heal with time…slowly. Very slowly. I’m learning to let go too, without closure. I’ve figured, for now, I only need me, myself and I.
submitted by Eeejay20 to dating [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 00:59 CruisingSouthampton 29 [M4F] UK - Looking for someone to just be there.

Hello.
So as people keep telling me how sassy I am, I feel like I need someone to be sassy with. I've been single for a while, and while it's cool and all, it just doesn't feel quite right. So I'm a 29 year old male, 5'4, bearded gamer. Spend a fair bit of my time both gaming or working, but that's no issue. Games I play range from Pokemon, to Phantasy Star Online, Path of Exile, even some Minecraft or Terraria. There's many more, but those would be the main. Would be nice to find someone who has somewhat of a similar interest.
As far as what I'm looking for? Honestly most anything, from friends, dates, or more. I don't really get out at all even before covid stuff. This leads to me not ever really meeting anyone at all, though I would like to. Lack of going out also makes it harder to join in yada yada, we're all here for similar reasons. I'm fairly quiet, especially around new people.
As for some characteristics I love, great smile, red hair, long hair, freckles, and great eyes are just wonderful.
Messages and chat both work for me, can share other medias after if they are better.
submitted by CruisingSouthampton to r4r [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 00:37 Southern-Primary-593 Please help I'm so confused right now

I really don’t know what to think anymore. I have OCD and ADHD and I’ve been obsessively thinking over if I am a covert Narc a codependent. I don’t know if I’m a hopeless romantic that pours there all into things or if I “groom” people. I watch obscene amounts of YouTube videos on the subject, talk to my therapist about such, obsess over reddit forums, articles, literature, etc. just to see if I match the descriptions so that If I am that thing I can remove it from myself. It all started in March when a friend sent me an online published article of a guy my age (I’m gay/ gender-fluid) and she insisted that I should reach out to him/ actually try and date more seriously. At first I wasn’t very interested as he wasn’t really my type (I thought he was cute but I typically go for more masculine/ jocky looking guys that are unfortunately emotionally unavailable. After reading the article and feeling deeply moved by it I decided to reach out to him on social media (he also had a bit of online “clout” on twitteinstagram that built up over quarantine) c. March. From the very beginning I didn’t want to hide my intentions and let him know I though he was very cute/ smart (having read his article). He responded back flirtatiously stating he was thinking the same about me. I asked if when things died down COVID wise if I could take him on a coffee date as the college he attended was close to my home and he agreed. We exchanged snapchats and began to chat a bit and overtime developed a sort of friendship/ romantic situationship.
After a couple weeks of us chatting he began to become a bit more sexual (something I kinda wanted to avoid until meeting him) and I excitedly engaged. He commented on my photo taking skills and would say things like “I want to breed you so badly.” (Horny touch starved COVID things lol. Eventually we agreed to FaceTime and we were both obviously nervous but for sure clicked. Overtime it became apparent that though we had a lot of different hobbies, interest, knowledge’s, etc. we had a lot in common and very specifically. We would FaceTime every once in awhile and chat about topics we liked but I always felt like he did a bit more of the controlling the conversation and didn’t always remember to ask me questions, inquire deeper about me, etc. whereas I attempted to do so. I even remember him saying in one of our first FaceTimes that his Ex had just texted him (he was very excited) but wasn’t going to talk about it because he was chatting with a “cute boy” (first red flag). Overtime we’d discuss more and more things and in an attempt to get bit closer to him too a genuine concern in some of his interest that I also thought were cool so that we could get closer and continue to develop the relationship. He would comment on my physical attributes like my hair commenting that “it was the only thing giving him life”, etc. There was also times I remembered him making me feel a bit off such as telling me the celebrity I chose to hypothetically have dinner with was a “waste” and insinuated that I looked more attractive with shorter hair.
It wasn’t until three months in to our “situationship” that I felt like I had developed strong feelings for him and told him wanted to put a more solid descriptor on what we hoped to achieve togethethat he was the only person at this point that I was seriously talking to. He reacted positively and stated he also had a crush on me but wanted to look towards the future and wait to see where our friendship led when we were both in the same location and that he thought I was a really great person. I would always be respectful and agree to wait to progress things but after awhile of us talking everyday, flirting being sexual and opening up a bit deeper little by little I would bring up the conversation of “us” once again and even suggested an open-style realtionship at some point. He continued to assert that he wanted to wait, that I was brave for sharing feelings, that he was talking to a bunch of other guys and that he should’ve made his intent to not want anything clearer from the start but that he was extremely excited to meet me in person and get to know me/ even potentially spend a weekend in a city with me when he could. Looking back I was deluded and he made sure to be clear with where he was at each time we had the conversation but a romantic/sexual air always continued after such and I chose to stay incredibly hopeful. I allowed him to vent to me about things, run ideas/articles past me, offered emotional support when things were hard, etc. and did it with happiness. But he’d also occasionally throw in a comment such as “should I download Grindr?”, etc. that I always chose to look past. We continued to flirt / send nudes to one another close to the time I was leaving to see him.
When things got a little better COVID wise I decided to make a trip out to see him/finally meet and collect what the vibe was / see a few friends from school. As I had been out and about / sexual with an individual who was not him I let him know prior to coming to LA (at this point we’d both made it clear we we’re chatting with other people and we weren’t exclusive so the sex was purely physical and one-night standish) so that if anything physically progressed there would be full transparency. He was accommodating and sweet about all of it especially because I let him know I was scared he’d view me in a different light for acting “recklessly.” He let me know he just wanted to reiterate that while he was extremely excited to meet me he was worried I’d come in trying to be his boyfriend saying “not that I’m opposed to that or anything just not ready to jump in yet” with a winky face and that he wasn’t concerned with the physical as it was our first date and he didn’t want to rush anything.
He was worried a couple days before meeting that he had potentially contracted COVID and told me over the phone that he had cried in the CVS/to his mom about potentially not being able to come. I reassured him regardless if we saw each other or not I was crazy about him and just wanted him to be okay. I wrote him a birthday card, got him his favorite candy and a pair of fun socks. He planned to spend the night in my hotel as there was separate beds). During this time we went outside, smoked a bit of weed, had dinner and discussed a bit more emotional things. There were two things that were a bit strange during our date. 1) A mutual friend of ours swiped up on his story of me and he let me know that they had sex previously and 2) that he LOVED men that treated him like shit (something that broke my heart to hear). That night we talked to his best friend on the phone and her and I got along very well, she blew me a kiss goodbye on the phone and added me directly after we got off. The next day before he left I finally worked up the nerve to ask how he felt about kissing me. He slyly stated “aren’t you not supposed to ask…. I don’t know maybe, I just kinda like the romantic atmosphere we have going with no physical strings attached and just sort of want things to progress naturally and that he didn’t want to be a fuck and chuck” to which I let him know I absolutely wasn’t anticipating sex. We changed the subject immediately and I did not press further and we had a lovely time and hugged goodbye.
After we parted ways I assumed we’d kind of go our own ways emotionally but he only continued to be friendlier and friendlier (which gave me a sense of confusion). His best friend even direct messaged me on instagram and had a conversation with me?After 3ish weeks of us not seeing each other I let him know I missed him and that I wanted to take a poke at seeing where we were. He referred to me as “bby” and let me know he loved me as a very good friend and at that moment in time and in parathseses (for now) I just want to be friends. For a time I was okay with it but after 2 more weeks I was experiencing anxiety/panic attacks around the nature of what “we” were (around 6 months of us talking) I got a bit drunk (big mistake) and impuslvieley let him know I couldn’t continue as such/ just be friends and that it was hurting me. He responded by saying that he felt like we had the conversation 8 times because we had and that if I really felt that way then we should talk. At this point I felt like I fucked up severely by saying something along the lines of telling him that it broke my heart that he had said the thing about men treating him like shit (something I deeply regret as retrospectively that could’ve caused harm) He started to ignore me and two days afterwards he reached out to me at like 2am. I let him know I cared for him and wasn’t angry just hurt and that I wanted time to heal. He agreed and lovingly let me know that when I was ready to be just friends he’d be there. The issue was at this point I loved him/had love for him.
After two weeks of being utterly miserable and having him orbit me on social media I decided to re-reach out and let him know I missed him (another big mistake). He took me back excitedly and we had a beautiful conversation that left me feeling validated and okay with the fact that we’d probably speak less now / he’d be sensitive to the fact of my emotions for him. Unfortunately this was not the case. He reached out to me stating that he was in a crisis and proceeded to let me know he was on both a psychedelic and stimulant, I made sure he was okay and moved on. The following couple days he asked if I had engaged sexually with people during quarantine and if so how many times. I felt strange answering but let him know honestly. He then proceeded to ask me if he thought he should hookup with a person and sent me their pictures/nudes to which I drew a boundary. As time went on I felt a bit used and became very depressed at the outcome as I also saw him flirting with people online. As we were both beginning to have a rough time in our lives I grew very aware of the fact that I did love him very much despite all the confusion but knew he didn’t feel the same at this point. One day I texted him and let him know that I had said “I love you” to him in a dream and that I respected the fact that nothing was going to come of us and that if we didn’t speak after that he had changed me on a unique and personal level. Unshockingly there was no response and I felt like I had said all I needed to say. I was said but at least I knew we wouldn’t keep chatting as things were normal.
The weirdest part is while he didn’t text me anything back he continued to view my social media stories, like my picture and jump on my live stream on instagram something that I’m now aware is called “orbiting.” After liking my picture I confronted him over text letting him know I was sorry for not respecting the boundaries placed about friendship but that I was confused about his social media behavior in correlation to lack of response. He played it down by saying “I did those things cuz we’re friends and if you need more than that then its best if we don’t talk as this is becoming emotionally taxing for me” I agreed and said I understood and asked if I had done something during our trip as things had felt different before. He told me I hadn’t and that It was just extremely clear the feelings I had he did not share. I agreed and validated the fact that he had been very upfront throughout but that he had also said the thing about not being opposed to me acting like his boyfriend just not ready to jump in and that I had gotten in my head that maybe things would progress slowly when we were together IRL but that I had jumped the gun to quickly. I also let him know he was one of the closet people to me during qyuarbtine which was true. I received no response. Saddened but with nothing left to say and embarrassed that I thought more was to come from the orbiting I deleted the thread, his number from my phone and unfollowed him on social media as it was becoming painful to look at (he still follows me/ looks at my story). I’m even more upset by the fact that he is moving to the same place that I am soon and I feel like I have butchered all possibilities of reconciliation and that I have harmed /disrespected him. I have been extremely depressed for days and no longer know what to do. I have also committed to zero rebounds/casual sex for at minimum 4-5months so I have deleted the apps off my phone I don't want to pass a pain torch to anyone else/bring my old baggage in.
submitted by Southern-Primary-593 to AbuseInterrupted [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 00:31 Southern-Primary-593 Messy online gay situationship please help

I really don’t know what to think anymore. I have OCD and ADHD and I’ve been obsessively thinking over if I am a covert Narc or a codependent. I don’t know if I’m a hopeless romantic that pours there all into things or if I “groom” people. I watch obscene amounts of YouTube videos on the subject, talk to my therapist about such, obsess over reddit forums, articles, literature, etc. just to see if I match the descriptions so that If I am that thing I can remove it from myself. It all started in March when a friend sent me an online published article of a guy my age (I’m gay/ gender-fluid) and she insisted that I should reach out to him/ actually try and date more seriously. At first I wasn’t very interested as he wasn’t really my type (I thought he was cute but I typically go for more masculine/ jocky looking guys that are unfortunately emotionally unavailable. After reading the article and feeling deeply moved by it I decided to reach out to him on social media (he also had a bit of online “clout” on twitteinstagram that built up over quarantine) c. March. From the very beginning I didn’t want to hide my intentions and let him know I though he was very cute/ smart (having read his article). He responded back flirtatiously stating he was thinking the same about me. I asked if when things died down COVID wise if I could take him on a coffee date as the college he attended was close to my home and he agreed. We exchanged snapchats and began to chat a bit and overtime developed a sort of friendship/ romantic situationship.
After a couple weeks of us chatting he began to become a bit more sexual (something I kinda wanted to avoid until meeting him) and I excitedly engaged. He commented on my photo taking skills and would say things like “I want to breed you so badly.” (Horny touch starved COVID things lol. Eventually we agreed to FaceTime and we were both obviously nervous but for sure clicked. Overtime it became apparent that though we had a lot of different hobbies, interest, knowledge’s, etc. we had a lot in common and very specifically. We would FaceTime every once in awhile and chat about topics we liked but I always felt like he did a bit more of the controlling the conversation and didn’t always remember to ask me questions, inquire deeper about me, etc. whereas I attempted to do so. I even remember him saying in one of our first FaceTimes that his Ex had just texted him (he was very excited) but wasn’t going to talk about it because he was chatting with a “cute boy” (first red flag). Overtime we’d discuss more and more things and in an attempt to get bit closer to him too a genuine concern in some of his interest that I also thought were cool so that we could get closer and continue to develop the relationship. He would comment on my physical attributes like my hair commenting that “it was the only thing giving him life”, etc. There was also times I remembered him making me feel a bit off such as telling me the celebrity I chose to hypothetically have dinner with was a “waste” and insinuated that I looked more attractive with shorter hair.
It wasn’t until three months in to our “situationship” that I felt like I had developed strong feelings for him and told him wanted to put a more solid descriptor on what we hoped to achieve togethethat he was the only person at this point that I was seriously talking to. He reacted positively and stated he also had a crush on me but wanted to look towards the future and wait to see where our friendship led when we were both in the same location and that he thought I was a really great person. I would always be respectful and agree to wait to progress things but after awhile of us talking everyday, flirting being sexual and opening up a bit deeper little by little I would bring up the conversation of “us” once again and even suggested an open-style realtionship at some point. He continued to assert that he wanted to wait, that I was brave for sharing feelings, that he was talking to a bunch of other guys and that he should’ve made his intent to not want anything clearer from the start but that he was extremely excited to meet me in person and get to know me/ even potentially spend a weekend in a city with me when he could. Looking back I was deluded and he made sure to be clear with where he was at each time we had the conversation but a romantic/sexual air always continued after such and I chose to stay incredibly hopeful. I allowed him to vent to me about things, run ideas/articles past me, offered emotional support when things were hard, etc. and did it with happiness. But he’d also occasionally throw in a comment such as “should I download Grindr?”, etc. that I always chose to look past. We continued to flirt / send nudes to one another close to the time I was leaving to see him.
When things got a little better COVID wise I decided to make a trip out to see him/finally meet and collect what the vibe was / see a few friends from school. As I had been out and about / sexual with an individual who was not him I let him know prior to coming to LA (at this point we’d both made it clear we we’re chatting with other people and we weren’t exclusive so the sex was purely physical and one-night standish) so that if anything physically progressed there would be full transparency. He was accommodating and sweet about all of it especially because I let him know I was scared he’d view me in a different light for acting “recklessly.” He let me know he just wanted to reiterate that while he was extremely excited to meet me he was worried I’d come in trying to be his boyfriend saying “not that I’m opposed to that or anything just not ready to jump in yet” with a winky face and that he wasn’t concerned with the physical as it was our first date and he didn’t want to rush anything.
He was worried a couple days before meeting that he had potentially contracted COVID and told me over the phone that he had cried in the CVS/to his mom about potentially not being able to come. I reassured him regardless if we saw each other or not I was crazy about him and just wanted him to be okay. I wrote him a birthday card, got him his favorite candy and a pair of fun socks. He planned to spend the night in my hotel as there was separate beds). During this time we went outside, smoked a bit of weed, had dinner and discussed a bit more emotional things. There were two things that were a bit strange during our date. 1) A mutual friend of ours swiped up on his story of me and he let me know that they had sex previously and 2) that he LOVED men that treated him like shit (something that broke my heart to hear). That night we talked to his best friend on the phone and her and I got along very well, she blew me a kiss goodbye on the phone and added me directly after we got off. The next day before he left I finally worked up the nerve to ask how he felt about kissing me. He slyly stated “aren’t you not supposed to ask…. I don’t know maybe, I just kinda like the romantic atmosphere we have going with no physical strings attached and just sort of want things to progress naturally and that he didn’t want to be a fuck and chuck” to which I let him know I absolutely wasn’t anticipating sex. We changed the subject immediately and I did not press further and we had a lovely time and hugged goodbye.
After we parted ways I assumed we’d kind of go our own ways emotionally but he only continued to be friendlier and friendlier (which gave me a sense of confusion). His best friend even direct messaged me on instagram and had a conversation with me?After 3ish weeks of us not seeing each other I let him know I missed him and that I wanted to take a poke at seeing where we were. He referred to me as “bby” and let me know he loved me as a very good friend and at that moment in time and in parathseses (for now) I just want to be friends. I also began seeing bullying like behaviors in him to other social media people online that I disliked. He also was accused of making transphobic / racist comments which he refused to apologize for /acknowledge. For a time I was okay with it but after 2 more weeks I was experiencing anxiety/panic attacks around the nature of what “we” were (around 6 months of us talking) I got a bit drunk (big mistake) and impulsively let him know I couldn’t continue as such/ just be friends and that it was hurting me. He responded by saying that he felt like we had the conversation 8 times because we had and that if I really felt that way then we should talk. At this point I felt like I fucked up severely by saying something along the lines of telling him that it broke my heart that he had said the thing about men treating him like shit (something I deeply regret as retrospectively that could’ve caused harm) He started to ignore me and two days afterwards he reached out to me at like 2am. I let him know I cared for him and wasn’t angry just hurt and that I wanted time to heal. He agreed and lovingly let me know that when I was ready to be just friends he’d be there. The issue was at this point I loved him/had love for him.
After two weeks of being utterly miserable and having him orbit me on social media I decided to re-reach out and let him know I missed him (another big mistake). He took me back excitedly and we had a beautiful conversation that left me feeling validated and okay with the fact that we’d probably speak less now / he’d be sensitive to the fact of my emotions for him. Unfortunately this was not the case. He reached out to me stating that he was in a crisis and proceeded to let me know he was on both a psychedelic and stimulant, I made sure he was okay and moved on. The following couple days he asked if I had engaged sexually with people during quarantine and if so how many times. I felt strange answering but let him know honestly. He then proceeded to ask me if he thought he should hookup with a person and sent me their pictures/nudes to which I drew a boundary. As time went on I felt a bit used and became very depressed at the outcome as I also saw him flirting with people online. As we were both beginning to have a rough time in our lives I grew very aware of the fact that I did love him very much despite all the confusion but knew he didn’t feel the same at this point. One day I texted him and let him know that I had said “I love you” to him in a dream and that I respected the fact that nothing was going to come of us and that if we didn’t speak after that he had changed me on a unique and personal level. Unshockingly there was no response and I felt like I had said all I needed to say. I was said but at least I knew we wouldn’t keep chatting as things were normal.
The weirdest part is while he didn’t text me anything back he continued to view my social media stories, like my picture and jump on my live stream on instagram something that I’m now aware is called “orbiting.” After liking my picture I confronted him over text letting him know I was sorry for not respecting the boundaries placed about friendship but that I was confused about his social media behavior in correlation to lack of response. He played it down by saying “I did those things cuz we’re friends and if you need more than that then its best if we don’t talk as this is becoming emotionally taxing for me” I agreed and said I understood and asked if I had done something in LA as things had felt different before. He told me I hadn’t and that It was just extremely clear the feelings I had he did not share. I agreed and validated the fact that he had been very upfront throughout but that he had also said the thing about not being opposed to me acting like his boyfriend just not ready to jump in and that I had gotten in my head that maybe things would progress slowly when we were together IRL but that I had jumped the gun to quickly. I also let him know he was one of the closet people to me during qyuarbtine which was true. I received no response. Saddened but with nothing left to say and embarrassed that I thought more was to come from the orbiting I deleted the thread, his number from my phone and unfollowed him on social media as it was becoming painful to look at (he still follows me). I’m even more upset by the fact that he is moving to the same place that I am soon and I feel like I have butchered all possibilities of reconciliation and that I have harmed /disrespected him. I have been extremely depressed for days and no longer know what to do. I need honest opinions. Right now I'm feeling as though he is far better than I am and that I was the thing keeping him behind, stressing him out/taxing him. I have also committed to zero rebounds/casual sex for at minimum 4-5months so I have deleted the apps off my phone I don't want to pass a pain torch to anyone else/bring my old baggage in.
submitted by Southern-Primary-593 to dating [link] [comments]


2020.10.18 22:38 pal3luna_ The Distance Ruined Us

I love this guy that I met a month ago. He wasn't like most guys that I've met online and he liked me when we started to chat. One day he told me he loved me and we started dating online from there. Everything was going fantastic but then one morning I woke up to a very heart breaking text. He told me that he still loved me but we couldn't be in a relationship because I lived really far ( like 6 hrs away which sux)and that he would rather break up with me like this than break up with me if he ended up cheating on me with someone who lives closer to him. I honestly feel rejected, heartbroken and very depressed. I really love him but I think that I was just a game to him. I think that he has officially friend-zoned me. He stopped sending selfies and hearts. I am currently numb from that and everything else that has been happening in my life lately. I know we will probably never meet because he'll find someone closer and way better. I crumble every time I think about it. Do you think he was planning on cheating on me? What do I do now?
submitted by pal3luna_ to teenagers [link] [comments]


2020.10.18 21:07 Kinjal_kb A "Long" distance relationship , with the distance being approx 500 meters.

So a bit of background. Me (16M) and my girlfriend (16F) have been dating for the last 3 and a half years. We're from India , and a pretty small town in it. Anyone who is from India knows how , except the super chill families which can sometimes be found in Urban cities , relationships , especially High School relationships are heavily frowned upon. If you are dating , it needs to be extremely hidden and mostly low key otherwise you risk your parents or your school knowing and then both ( yes , even the school which should have no business in your personal life ) will try to end the relationship. So considering all that stuff , me and my gf have been together for a relatively long period of time. We mostly met in school and in tuitions after school. Our Parents knew each other and her parents knew me so they mostly didn't mind me talking with her ( normal talking , of course ). It was going pretty well. We used to get some alone time as well when her parents weren't home and mine weren't either so I went over to her place secretly.
Fast forward to the beginning of the lockdown , there's no school , no tuition , no leaving home. No way of meeting. Even then it was fine . We used to talk and Facetime all night. It was hard , but it was pretty fine. Oh wait , did I forget to mention ? Unlike most other relationships , our houses are literally approx 500 meters away. That's what made it more painful. Knowing we are so close and yet so far away. Well , even then , with all the texting and FaceTiming , it was honestly fine. Then , last week happened. Somehow her mom read our chats. Found out about us. So now , she pretty much guards my gf every night , making sure she's up late only to study and not to talk with someone. So now we can't talk. We can't facetime. No meeting. No talking. We can talk for about 5/10 mins somedays , and it's never enough cause we got so much about to talk about.So we are in love , but we can't talk , can't see each other , even though we live 500 meters apart.
But wait , there's more. I have been suffering with depression and anxiety for the last year or so. I have no friends irl , only a few good ones online . My girlfriend is pretty much my vent. Talking with her made my day better and was helping me get better. Now , I feel lonely and sulky all the time. Almost every night I breakdown. So this thing is worsening my mental health as well .
But wait , there's more. We're currently in Grade 11th. If there's anyone on this sub from India they will know , students in grades 11th and 12th prepare for either engineering or medical ( most kids do) . I'm prepping for engineering whilst she is prepping for Medical. She will go away to a different city for coaching ( for Indian people , she'll go to Kota) for the Medical Entrance Exam known as NEET , whereas I'll stay back at our hometown. From there , we'll go over to different cities for different colleges. From there , I'll get a job after 4 years of Engineering undergrad while she'll go for an MD degree which will take another 5 years. So about 8/9 more years of LDR. Knowing that we'll be thousands of miles apart , for 8 freaking years , and rn is the only time we are close to each other and we can't even talk , let alone meet each other , honestly breaks me down so much. Thanks for sticking if you read this long.
submitted by Kinjal_kb to LongDistance [link] [comments]


2020.10.18 20:58 jjj123smith 25 [M4F] WA/CDMX/Anywhere - Love in the time of quarantine??

To avoid wasting peoples time with excessive prose that may not catch your attention, Ill get the basics of me out of the way first, then if you think there may be compatibility Ill get to the more personal, wordy stuff.
Im about to turn 25, 6’4, thin, half Mexican/American, bilingual and speak Spanish exclusively for work. Im a programmer working remotely full time, and Im looking for a relationship that can start out long distance, then transition to physical eventually. Im not religious at all, my passions include 3D modeling, interior architectural design, gardening/landscaping, music, writing, and cooking. Huge fan of concerts and music festivals, but I am introverted and got my partying out of the way as a teenager. I prefer hanging out one-on-one w/ deep conversations to large gatherings. Im looking for a relationship based primarily on an intellectual/emotional connection, I wouldn’t want to there to be any pressure or expectation of flirting or lewd pics in order to maintain someone’s attention. Im looking for someone to get close with, talk to regularly, with mutual attraction, but especially who genuinely is in a place in their life where they are ready for a monogamous relationship.
Me
—————————————
Now the long part,
Im 24, turning 25 in 3 days. Im a college graduate, have a full time job working remotely as a programmer doing app/web development for a Mexican company. I grew up in California and Washington state (where I am currently), while regularly visiting Mexico all throughout my childhood as most of my family is located there. Up until March, I was living in my own apartment in Mexico City, but due tu Covid decided to come quarantine at my parents house in Washington state. The situation in Mexico hasn’t been improving much over the year, so Im still here for the foreseeable future.
The reason for the question in my title, and why Im looking for a long distance relationship, is that I really have been quarantining for the last 7 months. My parents are older, and I have some lung issues that make socializing during these times not a good idea. I see people regularly partying and going to restaurants, while I have genuinely only interacted with my parents and occasionally a couple friends, outside while wearing masks. So Im hoping to find someone in a similar situation, anywhere in the USA, Canada, Mexico, maybe even Europe, who is independent but not necessarily in a position to resume their life as if there were no pandemic going on.
To give a bit more context on my situation and why Im looking for someone on here, I had a brief relationship in university, but beyond those few months, I explicitly avoided dating while in school. I can’t say I have a very strong reason, but I guess I really felt that if I were ever to pursue a relationship, it would be once Im no longer a student and have a job and my independence, so I can offer stability while knowing what I want out of life. Well, once I graduated with a CS degree I decided I wanted a major change in my life, so I moved to CDMX to fulfill that desire. Ive loved my life there, I improved my Spanish tenfold, got closer with my family, and of course the food and culture of Mexico City is unmatched in Latin America.
I have tried the whole online dating thing and apps for the last year, and while I got a fair amount of dates, truthfully it didn’t work out, and everyone I met seemed to be fresh out of a relationship and not looking for something serious. I tried for a while to accept that, but I ultimately had to admit to myself that “keeping it casual” really is not what I want. I guess I felt like I had to settle for that type of relationship because it felt like noone was looking for anything more. So while I may not have real experience with long term, committed relationships, after so many bad experiences I have 100% certainty that that is what I want. I know now shouldn’t be settling for “casual”, or something lacking in love and warmth when that not what I really want.
Since I returned to my hometown during the pandemic back in March, Ive continued with the dating apps, but again, no-one seems to want a relationship or something long-distance. I do not lack friendships in my personal life, I am very proud of my circle of friends, small as it may be, but I want something non-platonic. Someone who has no problem being alone, but who doesn’t want to be! Someone looking for a confidant and lover, someone to emotionally invest into, to mutually respect, and eventually, be together. I believe maturity matters more than age, so I have no problem dating 5 years above/below my current age (20 - 30).
I am tall and thin due to a genetic condition called Marfans syndrome, so Ive attached photos of my self because yes, attraction is important, and if you are not capable of being attracted to thinner men then Im obviously not the one for you. As such, it would be difficult for me to date a bigger woman. My condition has caused countless medical issues, but I have zero limits physically in terms of mobility. I am no stranger to pain, as Ive had, spine, lung, eye, and jaw surgeries; medical issues and bullying are something I can very much relate to.
One of my passions growing up was game development, which led me to my career in programming, however my other main passion related to that is 3D modeling. I am not however, a gamer and I don’t think Ive even played a video game once in the last 3 months. I supposed its weird, a bit like a filmmaker who doesn’t really watch movies anymore (I used to be a gamer as a child). I am focused on 3D art, and regularly work on designs for interiors like kitchens, bedrooms, living rooms, etc. It’s only a hobby and I don’t do them explicitly with career goals in mind. I just want to improve my own designs to become a better artist. Beyond that as I said I love gardening and cooking, and doing it with someone else is one of the greatest things ever.
I don’t expect we will have all the same interests, but I think I would get along better with an introverted person. I am 420 friendly and occasional, responsible psychedelics use interests me, I mention it since that could be a dealbreaker for some. I come from a family of scientists, so religion and spirituality go against my general outlook on life, and I fall onto the left wing spectrum. If you are also liberal, I truly hope you approach politics and culture without being emotional and reactionary. It is not wrong to wait for more details before jumping to conclusions about things. Musically I like a lot of things, Classic rock, alternative, hip-hop, reggae, basically the only things I do not really listen to are: EDM, classical, and country. I dont expect someone super career oriented, while I love my job I dont really plan my future more than a year ahead, but independance is important to me (while Im staying at my parents house for now, it is purely by choice and only during the pandemic).
If you’ve read this far I can only assume it is because I caught your interest (or perhaps you’re very bored), and you believe we are compatible. If you are looking for the same thing as me, I hope you’ll send a message with a little bit about yourself, some pictures and if you want to, what it is that caught your interest. I don’t mind if you send either a chat or a message, but PLEASE do not message me if you are not certain of what you want. Ghosting or lingering conversations with no effort are the worst. I hope to hear from someone genuine.
submitted by jjj123smith to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]


2020.10.18 20:51 popcodswallop [WTS] VINTAGE • Chased Hard Rubbers and Wet Noodles: J Harris Lever Fillers Waterman 52 Unbranded Coin Filler •

This week's vintage batch features BCHR pens from the 1910s-20s with nibs ranging from Flex to Wet Noodle. As always, all are fully restored and ready to write.
 
ALBUM & TIMESTAMP
 
Pastable link: https://imgur.com/a/Oah4Amz
 
Condition (n.b.): All pens listed below have been disassembled, cleaned and restored with new sacs installed in the last couple weeks. Each of these pens is guaranteed to fill and write as designed without leaks or other problems. Nibs have been adjusted when necessary to ensure that all lay down a smooth and consistent line.
THESE PENS HAVE NO CRACKS, CHIPS, PERSONALIZATIONS, LOOSE OR MISSING PARTS, BENT NIBS, MISALIGNED TINES, OR THREADING ISSUES.
 
Line Widths and Writing Samples: To provide buyers with as much information as possible, I have started to adopt the following line width standards: XXF (.1-.2mm); XF (approx .3mm); F (approx .4mm); M (approx .6mm); B (approx .8mm). Nib flexibility is determined by variation (max line width under pressure) and softness (amount of pressure). Flexibility designations based on variation generally run as follows for an XF/F nib: Semi-Flex (approx. 1mm); Flex (1.2-1.9mm); Superflex (>2mm). All line width measurements are taken with a digital caliper but should be considered approximations providing a general guide. Width may vary slightly depending on type of ink and paper used as well as amount of pressure applied. All writing samples are on Rhodia grid paper using Waterman Serenity Blue or Omas Grey.
 
 
1. 1910s J. Harris Lever Filler (BCHR, NPT, lever filler, 14k XF Wet Noodle nib). Measures 5 3/16" capped. Founded in the 1910s by Jacob and Emanuel Harris, the J. Harris & Co. was pen maker located in New York City. Early pens like this one with protuberant barrel threads were on a par with contemporaneous lever fillers from Waterman and Sheaffer. This is a virtually pristine example of their flat top model in black chased hard rubber complemented by nickel-plated hardware. The gothic typeface used for the clip and barrel imprint is particularly eye-catching, hearkening back to high Victorian style (see DETAIL PHOTO). 14k Warranted #4 nib is a Wet Noodle in no uncertain terms, requiring little more than grazing the paper to widen the tines and having painterly flow under full flex. Under minimal pressure, it lays down a smooth and consistent XF line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.5mm) (see WRITING SAMPLE). Thin hairlines, super-responsive snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it an ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles such as Copperplate and Spencerian. Waterman Serenity Blue had some trouble keeping up with the flow under full flex but Omas Grey solved the problem, so a little bit of experimentation with your ink collection may be in order to find which work best. Condition excellent/near mint [B+]. An extremely well preserved, collector-grade example. Black hard rubber retains its factory black color with no discernible fading. Chasing is factory deep and sharp with no discernible wear. Nickel-plated trim shows no brassing. Smooth, lustrous surface with no deep scratches or other notable blemishes. Manufacturer imprint on barrel is deep and fully legible. A time capsule pen and a wild writer. Price: $230 SOLD
 
2. 1910s J. Harris Lever Filler (BCHR, NPT, lever filler, 14k XF Wet Noodle nib). Measures 5 1/4" capped. This pen is virtually identical to the one above, only slightly longer and with a slightly later section. These came to me from the same estate, where they'd been carefully stowed away for decades. Another flat top model in black chased hard rubber complemented by nickel-plated hardware. The gothic typeface used for the clip and barrel imprint is particularly eye-catching, hearkening back to high Victorian style (see DETAIL PHOTO). The nib is also identical to the above in every respect. It's a 14k Warranted #4 nib, another Wet Noodle that requires little more than grazing the paper to widen the tines and has painterly flow under full flex. Under minimal pressure, it lays down a smooth and consistent XF line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.5mm) (see WRITING SAMPLE). Thin hairlines, super-responsive snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it an ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles such as Copperplate and Spencerian. Waterman Serenity Blue had some trouble keeping up with the flow under full flex but Omas Grey solved the problem, so a little bit of experimentation with your ink collection may be in order to find which work best. Condition excellent/near mint [B+]. Another very well preserved, collector-grade example. Black hard rubber retains its factory black color with no discernible fading. Chasing is factory deep and sharp with with no discernible wear. Nickel-plated trim shows no notable wear apart from one tiny spot on the bottom left side of the clip. Smooth, lustrous surface with no deep scratches or other notable blemishes. Manufacturer imprint on barrel is deep and fully legible. Price: $230 SOLD
 
3. 1924-7 Waterman 52 (BCHR, NPT, lever filler, 14k F Superflex nib). Measures 5 3/8" capped. A fine example of Waterman's iconic workhorse in black chased hard rubber complemented by nickel-plated clip that dates it to the mid 1920s. Matching Ideal Globe emblems on clip and lever. Super-Flexible 14k Ideal #2 nib lays down a smooth and consistent F line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.2mm) under light pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Wet flow, good snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it a great choice for calligraphic and less formally expressive writing styles. Condition: excellent- [B-]. Hard rubber retains its factory black color with no discernible fading. Chasing is factory deep and sharp with no discernible wear aside from around the top of the cap, where it's weakened. Nickel-plated trim shows brassing. Smooth, lustrous surface with no deep or notable blemishes– just a couple small, inconspicuous marks here and there (drawer wear). Manufacturer imprint in center of barrel is deep and fully legible but imprint around butt of the barrel is weakened and number stamp on barrel-end is entirely worn away. Price: $190 SOLD
 
4. 1910s Unbranded Coin Filler (BCHR, GPT, coin filler, 14k XXF Flex nib). Measures 5 7/16" capped. This Coin Filler operates on the same principle as the lever fillers above, except that it does not rely on a lever to depress the pressure bar and deflate the sac. Instead, one inserts a coin in the barrel slot to apply pressure directly to the brass bar inside (a dime is a perfect fit). Like the others in this batch, this pen is made of black chased hard rubber. Unlike the others, it's a slip cap (friction fit as opposed to threaded) and came clipless from the factory (no holes drilled for a clip). It is, however, outfitted with a sturdy, gold-plated accommodation clip marked "Ideal" / "Paris" / "Depose" [registered]. It's likely this is the same "Ideal" trademarked by Waterman, but I can't be certain here (there was, for instance, an unaffiliated Italian pen maker named Ideal in the 1920s). Neither the cap nor the barrel bears any maker's marks, so in the spirit of the clip it came to me with, I equipped it with a replacement 14k Ideal #2 nib. It's a precise writer yielding Flexible variation, laying down a smooth and consistent XXF line that widens to a 3B+(approx 1.4mm) under moderate pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Needlepoint hairlines, strong snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it a great choice for expressive writing styles in a small hand. Condition: excellent [B]. Hard rubber retains its factory black color with no discernible fading. Chasing is factory deep and sharp with no discernible wear. Smooth, lustrous surface with no deep or noteworthy blemishes. Note: nib had some residual dry ink on it in the photos – will cleaned off like the others before shipment. Gold-plated clip shows some wear surrounding the rivets. An unusual early filler and a lovely writer. Price: $140
 
 
Shipping: Pens purchased on the weekend are mailed on Tuesday. Otherwise they are mailed within 2 business days of payment. All pens that do not come with their original boxes are packaged in thick PVC tubes to protect them in transit. To CONUS locations the following shipping options are available:
  • USPS First-Class with tracking for $5 Due to the delivery delays brought on by postmaster general DeJoy, I strongly recommend that the Priority shipping option be chosen. All packages will include full insurance (covered by me). I haven't had any go missing since DeJoy was instated. But rest assured that a full refund is guaranteed (issued through Paypal) in the event of a lost parcel and you will not have to wait until I receive a reimbursement from the USPS.
  • USPS Priority with tracking for $8
International Customers: Please contact me for shipping quote if located abroad (delivery confirmation required). Please do not ask me to commit mail fraud by altering the declared value of a pen for customs.
New York Customers: For tax purposes, I am now required to add an 8% sales tax on any sale made in the state of NY. If your shipping address is in NY state, please let me know before payment to receive an adjusted total. Free shipping is included for NY State residents to help defray the extra cost.
Ordering: Pens are placed on hold for the first person to reply to the thread and PM me with firm request to purchase (no chat DMs please). A request with the words “I'd like to purchase [pen number]” would be best to avoid confusion), to which I’ll reply with payment details. Please note that a message inquiring into a price discount does not suffice to place a pen on hold. If I haven't received Paypal payment within 24 hrs after a hold is placed, then pen(s) may become available to the next person.
Payment, & Guarantee: Payment by Paypal only. All pens are guaranteed to be in the condition in which I've described them. If I've missed something objectionable or the filling mechanism is not fully functional, the buyer may contact me up to 7 days after receiving the pen for a full refund (issued once I receive the pen back in the same condition as sold). Buyer must ship the return no later than 2 weeks after it was delivered to receive a refund. I've sold pens online for over a decade. Please check my past listings here as well as on the classifieds and historical sales forums on FPN (username: Estragon) and FPGeeks (popcod) for some of my previous offerings.
 
OTHER RECENT LISTINGS (still open):
submitted by popcodswallop to Pen_Swap [link] [comments]


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